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19 Ways I’m Most Likely to Die

Most of my life choices and daily activities are informed by my all-consuming fear of death. If I’m not worried about dying myself, I’m probably worried about one of my loved ones dying — or, if I need an occasional change of pace, whether or not those girls over there are laughing at me.

(If you don’t spend the majority of your time thinking about death, what do you even think about? Baseball stats? The glycemic index? The collected works of Andrea Dworkin? I can’t even imagine.)

As you might reasonably assume, I’ve spent a lot of time envisioning the various scenarios that might ultimately lead to my demise. Genetics — and regular old statistics — suggest I’m most likely to succumb to heart disease or cancer.  But I have a number of other weaknesses, failings, proclivities, and quirks that leave me vulnerable to all kinds of accidental-death situations.

So, how am I most likely to experience an unnatural death? I’d say the odds are stacked in favor of one of these hilarious mishaps/grievous tragedies. (Vote for your favorite in the comments, and — no promises! — but I’ll see what I can do.)

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Filed under My Stupid Life