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7 Chilling Scenes from Tyra’s Dystopian Future

I love Tyra Banks — either because she is genuinely a narcissistic buffoon who can’t seem to keep herself from saying stupid shit literally all the time, or because she is a master of self-parody. I can’t tell which reality we live in, but it truly doesn’t matter. Either way, she is successful and wealthy and UTTERLY RIDICULOUS, and I would watch reruns of America’s Next Top Model and Life-Size every day — if only my schedule permitted! — simply to bask in the Tyra-rrificness of it all.

With her hilarious contribution this week to The Wall Street Journal, we may have actually achieved peak Tyra. My initial response to this article was a delighted squeal of, “WHAT IS THIS EVEN???” — a question with many possible answers:

A.  It’s a prediction of future beauty trends, written by Harvard alum Tyra Banks.
B.  It’s a dystopian manifesto, as penned by the author of the young adult classic Modelland.
C.  It is the sound of a one-legged aspiring model stomping it out TO THE DEATH.
D.  It is the sound of the seventh seal breaking wide open.

But no, the answer is E. It is everything.

What does the future of beauty hold for us? So sayeth Tyra: Continue reading

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