Tag Archives: ghosts

5 Times I Thought My House Was Haunted

1. The time I walked through a sudden patch of cold air as I was going upstairs from the lower level.*

2. The time my son’s musical “Thomas & Friends” book started playing in the other room late at night, while everyone else was in bed.**

3. The time my newborn was looking at something over my shoulder and crying, but I couldn’t tell what it was.***

4. This one time.****

5. All those times I was lying in bed at night, about to fall asleep, and it felt like someone (OR SOMETHING?!?!?) was applying gentle pressure to my ear with one finger.***** Continue reading

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13 Reasons I’m Shitting My Pants Right Now

  1. It’s very late at night.
  2. I’m the only one awake in the house.
  3. I’m watching my husband and son, who are both sleeping on our bed, over the video monitor.
  4. I watched Paranormal Activity 4 today. (It wasn’t bad. Easily the fourth-best Paranormal Activity I’ve seen.)
  5. So my husband and son are both motionless, but my cat is also on the bed and licking herself in a very ordinary way, so I know the feed is live and hasn’t gotten stuck.
  6. I’m sitting at my laptop, maybe fifteen yards away — close enough to the bedroom that I can hear the white-noise machine both through the door and over the monitor.
  7. There’s a weird knocking sound I can hear over the monitor, but not through the door.
  8. I totally believe in ghosts. (I’m undecided about demons, because they always seem very religious to me, and I’m not a religious person. But anyway.)
  9. I’ve been watching this feed with the unexplained video-only knocking for a few otherwise-quiet minutes, and this is exactly the point in a Paranormal Activity movie where something loud/fast/scary would happen.
  10. OH MY GOD, THE BABY JUST STARTED CRYING RIGHT WHEN I TYPED “LOUD.”
  11. OK, he’s fine now. But that was terrible timing.
  12. Almost the kind of jump-scare fake-out you would find in a Paranormal Activity movie… that’s it. I’m totally shitting my pants.
  13. (Probably doesn’t help that I had huevos rancheros for brunch.)

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My 30 Most Mundane Fears

I’ve been absent from the blog for a while, but I promise I am working on a HILARIOUS post about the vacation I just took. Much funnier than the actual vacation itself, which has already become an indistinct blur of airport panic, flop sweat, rental-car regrets, temper tantrums, lackluster water pressure, and unflattering photos.

In the meantime, I think it’s been well-established in this space that I am one neurotic bitch. How neurotic?, you’re wondering. Well, I’m so neurotic that I’ve succumbed to a sudden, strong urge to catalog all of my greatest fears. Because if I keep them all in one location, I CAN CONTROL THEM. (Guys, should I be medicated…?)

There are a few categories we’re not even going to cover on this list, because they’re simply too grand in scale and too numerous to mention: The sudden, tragic deaths of family members; being stranded in the wilderness after a plane crash; anything negative that could ever possibly happen to my son; nuclear war. You know, the big shit. This is just a round-up of the relatively minor, mundane terrors that occupy my thoughts on a daily basis. Welcome to my waking nightmare! Continue reading

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