Tag Archives: gastrointestinal distress

13 Reasons I’m Shitting My Pants Right Now

  1. It’s very late at night.
  2. I’m the only one awake in the house.
  3. I’m watching my husband and son, who are both sleeping on our bed, over the video monitor.
  4. I watched Paranormal Activity 4 today. (It wasn’t bad. Easily the fourth-best Paranormal Activity I’ve seen.)
  5. So my husband and son are both motionless, but my cat is also on the bed and licking herself in a very ordinary way, so I know the feed is live and hasn’t gotten stuck.
  6. I’m sitting at my laptop, maybe fifteen yards away — close enough to the bedroom that I can hear the white-noise machine both through the door and over the monitor.
  7. There’s a weird knocking sound I can hear over the monitor, but not through the door.
  8. I totally believe in ghosts. (I’m undecided about demons, because they always seem very religious to me, and I’m not a religious person. But anyway.)
  9. I’ve been watching this feed with the unexplained video-only knocking for a few otherwise-quiet minutes, and this is exactly the point in a Paranormal Activity movie where something loud/fast/scary would happen.
  10. OH MY GOD, THE BABY JUST STARTED CRYING RIGHT WHEN I TYPED “LOUD.”
  11. OK, he’s fine now. But that was terrible timing.
  12. Almost the kind of jump-scare fake-out you would find in a Paranormal Activity movie… that’s it. I’m totally shitting my pants.
  13. (Probably doesn’t help that I had huevos rancheros for brunch.)

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