Tag Archives: failure

33 Things I Haven’t Failed at Yet

I’m turning 33 at the end of this month — the same age as Jesus when he died. Not to mention John Belushi, Chris Farley, Eva Peron, and Eva Braun. Of that group, I would say I’m like 30% Farley (minus the coke), 25% Peron (the Madonna version), and 45% Christ (more for the hair than anything else).

It’s a total cliché for a woman over 30, so I hate to admit that I kind of hate my birthday. I don’t dislike getting older, necessarily, but I spend every birthday thinking about everything I haven’t yet accomplished in my life. I mean, honestly — if you have any idea what the fuck I was doing the whole time I was in my 20s, please contact me with the details. I know I had about a decade’s worth of free time, and I can’t remember doing a single constructive thing.

In an effort to circumvent my annual shame spiral, I decided to create a list of things I haven’t yet failed to accomplish — one for each year of my life. Granted, the odds are pretty high that I’ll end up having failed at a good chunk of these by the time the ultimate tally is taken … but not yet, guys.

Not yet.

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Filed under My Stupid Life

I Can’t Believe You’re Still Doing These 298 Things Wrong

There’s no point in dancing around the issue here, so let’s be blunt: You screw up, and you screw up A LOT. In fact, it’s kind of amazing that you manage to survive on a daily basis. Seriously — can you do anything right?

Listen. I know your heart is in the right place, and I’m sure you mean well. But frankly, you’re about the biggest fucking failure I’ve ever met.

It’s hard to know where to even start with a list of your many missteps, but I came up with these 298 offenses right off the top of my head. Here’s the short list of what you’re doing wrong: Continue reading

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Filed under Self-Improvement