1. Emma Watson
Occupation: Inventor of feminism
Relevant Quote: “Chivalry should be consensual.”
Credibility Level: Hufflepuff
2. Tina Fey
Occupation: Relatable working mom
Relevant Quote: “People will say, ‘Oh, fashion magazines are so bad, they’re giving girls a negative message’ — but we’re also the fattest country in the world, so it’s not like we’re all looking at fashion magazines and not eating.”
Credibility Level: Ugh mom you are soooooo second-wave sometimes.
1. Yeah, these pants still fit.
2. Probably no one else can smell me right now.
3. I’ll take care of that later.
4. I’m smart enough to figure this out.
5. Symmetrical eyebrows aren’t everything.
Beyoncé is a feminist! This we know, for Beyoncé tells us so.
It should really be this easy, but it’s not. Because instead of saying, “I’m a feminist” while wearing a pantsuit with shoulder pads and castrating a bull, Beyoncé said, “I’m a feminist” while wearing a sparkly leotard and — perhaps most unsettling of all — moving her body in such a way as to suggest that she’s had sex before. Talk about mixed messages!
Since there’s nothing else going on in the U.S. right now — not like we’re bombing Iraq again, or dealing with a rash of unjustifiable police homicides against black men — there is currently a great debate raging as to whether Beyoncé is really a feminist, and if so, whether she’s feminist enough, and if so, did you even notice she was gyrating?
I’m not saying we only have to talk about Serious Pressing Issues all the time, guys, because that’s Nancy Grace’s beat and she covers it very thoroughly. But since Beyoncé has told us she’s a feminist, maybe we should just assume she’s the kind of feminist who likes to dance, and not always wear pants, and sometimes even have sex? And that frees us up to discuss other matters that aren’t quite so clear-cut, such as:
I love Tyra Banks — either because she is genuinely a narcissistic buffoon who can’t seem to keep herself from saying stupid shit literally all the time, or because she is a master of self-parody. I can’t tell which reality we live in, but it truly doesn’t matter. Either way, she is successful and wealthy and UTTERLY RIDICULOUS, and I would watch reruns of America’s Next Top Model and Life-Size every day — if only my schedule permitted! — simply to bask in the Tyra-rrificness of it all.
With her hilarious contribution this week to The Wall Street Journal, we may have actually achieved peak Tyra. My initial response to this article was a delighted squeal of, “WHAT IS THIS EVEN???” — a question with many possible answers:
A. It’s a prediction of future beauty trends, written by Harvard alum Tyra Banks.
B. It’s a dystopian manifesto, as penned by the author of the young adult classic Modelland.
C. It is the sound of a one-legged aspiring model stomping it out TO THE DEATH.
D. It is the sound of the seventh seal breaking wide open.
But no, the answer is E. It is everything.
What does the future of beauty hold for us? So sayeth Tyra: Continue reading
In case you didn’t know, Beyoncé is amazingly beautiful and exceptionally talented and outlandishly famous. Beyoncé is a triple threat who can sing and dance and act. (Dreamgirls aside — if you haven’t seen Obsessed at least twice, you and I probably have nothing to talk about.) Beyoncé is married to Jay-Z, who is also outlandishly famous, and together they are very wealthy and successful and in love.
By all reasonable measures, there is no way in which Beyoncé has not attained excellence. The only possible negative that’s even tangentially related to Beyoncé is the difficulty one faces in trying to buy tickets to one of her shows, but this is just an unfortunate side effect of Beyoncé being one of the most sought-after women in the world.
So, you might say that Beyoncé’s chief flaw — the one she would have to cite as her “biggest weakness” if she were ever to interview for a job as shift manager at a Ruby Tuesday — would be, “There is not enough of Beyoncé to go around.”
(She could also say, “Beyoncé sometimes talks about herself in the third person,” but a valid argument could be made for this as an endearing personality quirk.) Continue reading