29 Things My Husband and I Text About

I saw a headline not long ago that was something like, “How Married Couples Text Each Other.” And even though I am married and I text my husband — so, like, I already know how married couples text? — I almost clicked on the headline! I mean, it was basically about my life. VERY compelling. VERY algorithmically targeted toward my interests.

So while I stopped short of actually clicking the link, this incident did open my eyes to the fact that readers are clamoring to read about married couples texting. Would you like to read that kind of article? Maybe a list of things my husband and I text about, you think?

OK, here it is:

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6 Burning Questions About “The Jinx”

I didn’t watch “True Detective” until about nine months after everybody else did, so I was completely left out of the national dialogue on that one. (IDK if anybody mentioned it, but that show has kind of a woman problem?) But with “The Jinx,” I’m probably only like two or three weeks behind the rest of the world, and I’m ready to join the conversation RIGHT NOW. Stop rolling your eyes at me, and let’s do this.

1. How creepy is it that Robert Durst kept calling her “Kathie Durst”? Not “my first wife” or “Kathie” or even “my ex-wife.” Always with the two names, very formally. If you ever hear my husband refer to me repeatedly by both my first and last names, please go ahead and assume he knows the exact location of my remains.

2. Did you know Andrew Jarecki is super-wealthy? The director of “The Jinx” was a cofounder of MovieFone, which was purchased by AOL (in 1999, prior to the collapse of the tech bubble) for $388 million in stock. Which brings us to my next question…

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5 Times I Thought My House Was Haunted

1. The time I walked through a sudden patch of cold air as I was going upstairs from the lower level.*

2. The time my son’s musical “Thomas & Friends” book started playing in the other room late at night, while everyone else was in bed.**

3. The time my newborn was looking at something over my shoulder and crying, but I couldn’t tell what it was.***

4. This one time.****

5. All those times I was lying in bed at night, about to fall asleep, and it felt like someone (OR SOMETHING?!?!?) was applying gentle pressure to my ear with one finger.***** Continue reading

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5 Reasons Richard Sherman Is Better Than You

I love Richard Sherman, and you probably either agree wholeheartedly or disagree violently. Like Hillary Clinton, Lena Dunham, and virtually any other woman who has ever expressed an opinion outside the confines of a well-hidden diary, Sherman is a polarizing figure.

It’s a given that if you’re a Seattle Seahawks fan, you kiss a picture of #25 before you go to bed every night. If you root for another team in the NFC West (or really, any other NFC team) — yeah, you’re probably less enthusiastic.

As for me, I’m a Bengals fan, and the only high-stakes game they’d ever play against the Seahawks would be the Super Bowl … which means I probably don’t have much to worry about. So, with no rivalry concerns, I’m free to appreciate Sherman for his incredible athleticism and skill, as well as the fact that he’s one of the few NFL superstars with a genuine, discernible, non-bland personality.

I’m not saying you have to like the guy, too. (This is America! Let’s celebrate our different opinions — even yours, which are objectively wrong!) But I do feel compelled to point out that, love him or hate him, Richard Sherman is better than you.

Trust me when I say the ways are myriad, but these five are a good jumping-off point for further reflection.

1. Your hands are terrible.

Seriously, it’s like you’re walking around with cinderblocks on the ends of your goddamn arms. You couldn’t even catch feelings if you were a kicky divorcée of semi-advanced age in a Nancy Meyers movie.

2. You have never once annoyed Tom Brady.

“U Mad Bro?” was my first introduction to Richard Sherman, and I immediately became a huge fan of his work. Listen — Tom Brady is a wealthy, attractive star quarterback with multiple Super Bowl rings and a Brazilian supermodel wife. As such, anyone who makes Tom Brady feel a negative emotion is an American hero. Continue reading

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The Nicki Minaj GQ Interview in 19 Bullets

Intermittently respectable lad mag GQ recently published an interview with Nicki Minaj. It’s terribly done, and there are no circumstances under which you should read it. Since I’ve piqued your curiosity, though, I will now summarize the main beats of this interview, as written from the perspective of curiously beleaguered reporter Taffy Brodesser-Akner.

(You’re welcome.)

1.  I have so much free time to think about all of the questions I’m not asking Nicki Minaj right now, because she is sleeping through this whole interview!

2.  Well, actually, she’s only nodded off about four times for a few seconds each. But I’m going to keep harping on this angle throughout the remainder of the article.

3.  Wah, it’s hot in here. Continue reading

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19 Ways I’m Most Likely to Die

Most of my life choices and daily activities are informed by my all-consuming fear of death. If I’m not worried about dying myself, I’m probably worried about one of my loved ones dying — or, if I need an occasional change of pace, whether or not those girls over there are laughing at me.

(If you don’t spend the majority of your time thinking about death, what do you even think about? Baseball stats? The glycemic index? The collected works of Andrea Dworkin? I can’t even imagine.)

As you might reasonably assume, I’ve spent a lot of time envisioning the various scenarios that might ultimately lead to my demise. Genetics — and regular old statistics — suggest I’m most likely to succumb to heart disease or cancer.  But I have a number of other weaknesses, failings, proclivities, and quirks that leave me vulnerable to all kinds of accidental-death situations.

So, how am I most likely to experience an unnatural death? I’d say the odds are stacked in favor of one of these hilarious mishaps/grievous tragedies. (Vote for your favorite in the comments, and — no promises! — but I’ll see what I can do.)

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17 Things Football Analysts Say

1.  National Football League

2.  Special player

3.  Very special player

4.  Putting on a clinic

5.  Both sides of the ball

6.  Every-down back

7.  Bang-bang play

8.  Those are some thick thighs. I bet you have a hard time buying pants.* Continue reading

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18 Things That Aren’t About You

You’re so vain, you probably think Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” is about you. Well, guess what, Narcissus? It’s not, and neither are most other things in life.

If it’s not too much trouble, please stop gazing into that pond long enough to read this list. While not totally comprehensive, this is a good starting point on your journey to the realization that you are but one of many meaningless and indeterminate piles of carbon resulting from a wacky cosmic coincidence that occurred many millennia ago. Continue reading

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11 Things You Would Do If You Really Loved Your Baby

1. Lose all the baby weight immediately. Do you want your child to think of you as svelte and conventionally attractive, or slovenly and besaddlebagged?

2. Get rid of your TV. Well, don’t just get rid of it — that’s wasteful. Convert it into a planter for an organic herb garden.

3. Breastfeed. Until he’s 12 years old. Continue reading

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My Top 7 Work Email Passive-Aggressions

I’m a woman, which means I’ve been groomed from birth to believe that my two primary functions in society are (1) to please others and (2) to be  pleasing to others. So it’s basically a miracle that every work email I send is not a helter-skelter concatenation of apologies, exclamation points, lols, and smiley faces.

As I age, though, I’m trying harder and harder not to apologize just for (1) existing and (2) completing the functions outlined in my job description. But it’s hard to overwrite years of psychological conditioning. So now I’m at a point where I review each message carefully before I send it, and I usually end up editing out (and then re-adding, and then cutting again, and then sometimes compromising on) about five apologies a week. Based on my hourly rate, I would estimate that my company pays me nearly $200 every week to carefully consider my usage of the phrase “I’m sorry” via email.

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