Category Archives: Self-Improvement

18 Things That Aren’t About You

You’re so vain, you probably think Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” is about you. Well, guess what, Narcissus? It’s not, and neither are most other things in life.

If it’s not too much trouble, please stop gazing into that pond long enough to read this list. While not totally comprehensive, this is a good starting point on your journey to the realization that you are but one of many meaningless and indeterminate piles of carbon resulting from a wacky cosmic coincidence that occurred many millennia ago. Continue reading

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11 Things You Would Do If You Really Loved Your Baby

1. Lose all the baby weight immediately. Do you want your child to think of you as svelte and conventionally attractive, or slovenly and besaddlebagged?

2. Get rid of your TV. Well, don’t just get rid of it — that’s wasteful. Convert it into a planter for an organic herb garden.

3. Breastfeed. Until he’s 12 years old. Continue reading

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6-Step Guide to Flying With a Toddler

I recently returned from a family vacation to the time zone at the other end of the country. While planning this lighthearted jaunt, my thought was, “Surely a four-hour flight with a one-year-old will be less painful than a three-day drive!”

While actually living through this journey into the bowels of human depravity and suffering, my constant thought was, “Which article of my clothing could most quickly be fashioned into a makeshift noose?” (Note to self: Next time, wear shoes with laces.)

I mean, it’s one thing to endure a long trip with an unhappy 12-month-old. It’s another thing altogether to know that you are forcing an entire crowd of innocent victims to endure a long trip with an unhappy 12-month-old. And it’s important to remember that a toddler’s inability to grasp the concept of “time change” is equaled only by his inability to give a single, solitary fuck about airplane etiquette.

So how do you fly cross-country with this kind of monster while still maintaining a scrap or two of dignity? It’s simple — all you have to do is follow the six easy steps below. Continue reading

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These 5 Simple Parenting Hacks Will Amaze You

Ugh, babies — am I right? They’re a lot of fucking work, if you’re trying to do a halfway decent job. But there are a few simple tricks that can make the ceaseless indignity of being a parent so much easier, you’ll forget you even have kids! Read on if you’re ready to be dumbfounded by these amazing life hacks …

1. Drop your baby off in the woods to be raised by a pack of feral cats. Cats are majestic and beautiful animals. What’s more, they are very clean and super-intelligent. Now, take a hard look in the mirror. Can you honestly say the same about yourself? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Continue reading

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I Can’t Believe You’re Still Doing These 298 Things Wrong

There’s no point in dancing around the issue here, so let’s be blunt: You screw up, and you screw up A LOT. In fact, it’s kind of amazing that you manage to survive on a daily basis. Seriously — can you do anything right?

Listen. I know your heart is in the right place, and I’m sure you mean well. But frankly, you’re about the biggest fucking failure I’ve ever met.

It’s hard to know where to even start with a list of your many missteps, but I came up with these 298 offenses right off the top of my head. Here’s the short list of what you’re doing wrong: Continue reading

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7 Valuable Tips for Office Drones

I’m still honoring my work anniversary (in the U.S., this is traditionally a week-long celebration, like Kwanzaa or Kristen Stewart’s birthday). I know this comes across like so much sarcasm, but I’m now at a place in my career where I’m able to spend entire days dicking around on the Internet and writing posts for my personal blog — and my boss still thanks me for doing a great job!

Basically, I am the Peyton Manning of working in offices, but with 30% less forehead. Today, I’m going to share some words of wisdom that have helped me attain this lofty peak of mediocrity. Continue reading

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3 Ways To Be Really Annoying

1. Follow the ABC rule: Always Be Correcting the spelling, grammar, and syntax used by your friends and family — even if it’s a casual email, and their meaning is perfectly clear. (“Did you mean Santa CLAUS, Mom? I’ve never heard of anyone named Santa CLAUSE!!!”)

If possible, insert a snide chuckle while you’re at it, so the errant speaker knows how super-dumb their mistake was. Over email or text, an “lol” or “smh” will accomplish the same purpose. (“lol Bradley, I think you mean you have ‘25% fewer’ T-cells than you did at your last draw, not ‘25% less.’ smh”)

DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN, not even for a moment. The sanctity of the English language depends on you constantly policing the word-sounds and typing-shapes created by your loved ones. Continue reading

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