You’re so vain, you probably think Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” is about you. Well, guess what, Narcissus? It’s not, and neither are most other things in life.
If it’s not too much trouble, please stop gazing into that pond long enough to read this list. While not totally comprehensive, this is a good starting point on your journey to the realization that you are but one of many meaningless and indeterminate piles of carbon resulting from a wacky cosmic coincidence that occurred many millennia ago. Continue reading
1. Lose all the baby weight immediately. Do you want your child to think of you as svelte and conventionally attractive, or slovenly and besaddlebagged?
2. Get rid of your TV. Well, don’t just get rid of it — that’s wasteful. Convert it into a planter for an organic herb garden.
3. Breastfeed. Until he’s 12 years old. Continue reading
Ugh, babies — am I right? They’re a lot of fucking work, if you’re trying to do a halfway decent job. But there are a few simple tricks that can make the ceaseless indignity of being a parent so much easier, you’ll forget you even have kids! Read on if you’re ready to be dumbfounded by these amazing life hacks …
1. Drop your baby off in the woods to be raised by a pack of feral cats. Cats are majestic and beautiful animals. What’s more, they are very clean and super-intelligent. Now, take a hard look in the mirror. Can you honestly say the same about yourself? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Continue reading
I’m still honoring my work anniversary (in the U.S., this is traditionally a week-long celebration, like Kwanzaa or Kristen Stewart’s birthday). I know this comes across like so much sarcasm, but I’m now at a place in my career where I’m able to spend entire days dicking around on the Internet and writing posts for my personal blog — and my boss still thanks me for doing a great job!
Basically, I am the Peyton Manning of working in offices, but with 30% less forehead. Today, I’m going to share some words of wisdom that have helped me attain this lofty peak of mediocrity. Continue reading