Just a List of Actual CNN Headlines from Monday, June 5, 2017

Years from now, when I’m old and alone, with nothing but my memories to comfort me, I’ll probably remember 2017 as the year I installed the CNN news app on my phone.

It’s been a pretty unremarkable year otherwise, imo.

1. Cosby’s lawyers open with attack on accusers’ credibility

(Wow, really? Attacking the victim’s credibility in a rape case? Very ~edgy~!)

2. Harvard rescinds offers to incoming freshmen over hateful memes

(lol can u imagine how mad ur dad would be) (ur mom would just be disappointed)

3. Horsey McHorseface wins maiden race

(Guys, can we stop doing this? It’s so 2016.)

4. Martha Stewart on dating and getting Snoop Dogg drunk

(Guys, can we stop doing this? It feels uncomfortably 2015.)

5. NFL star Gronkowski spikes wedding bouquet

(does not affect my answer to the hypothetical question, “Would you invite Gronk to your wedding?”)

6. Why we should never, ever ignore Donald Trump’s tweets

(Surprisingly, not a guest editorial by John Barron.)

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