3 Things I Have to Give Gwyneth Paltrow Credit For

Shortly after I launched this blog — and yes, “launch” is probably too grandiose there — I wrote a post criticizing some tone-deaf comments by Gwyneth Paltrow about the difficulties she faces as a tremendously wealthy parent. The post was picked up by Freshly Pressed, which generated the most traffic I have ever had to my tiny weird blog, and which gave me an overly optimistic outlook on the prospects for my tiny weird blog. (If anyone has written up a six-figure book deal offer for me, but is saving it in their Drafts folder because it feels “too forward” to send it, know that I have been eagerly awaiting your message every day for the last 15 months.)

Anyway, my point is that I kind of owe Gwyneth Paltrow one, for making me the blogging semi-success that I am today. And by “semi-success,” I mean “blogging has not yet caused bad things to happen in my life, at least not in a direct way that I can easily track.” Not, like, “my aspirational newsletter has expanded into a full-fledged lifestyle brand with an editorial headquarters located in a barn on my Los Angeles property.”

Also, let’s be real — there’s no pride in taking potshots at Gwyneth. The phrase that comes to mind is “low-hanging fruit,” unless you prefer “fish in a barrel,” or perhaps even the super-classy “target-rich environment.” Instead, I find it nobler to give Gwyneth credit where credit is due — not just for launching (oops, sorry, there’s that word again) my blogging hobby, but ALSO for these three other random things I came up with after hours of  exhaustive, exhausting research.

(If you know of anything else for which Gwyneth deserves props, please share them in the comments, and I will consider bestowing additional credit if it is deemed appropriate.)

1. Looking like herself.

You know how your favorite actresses from years past will pop up looking unrecognizable after fillers or Botox or vampire facials or whatever? That hasn’t happened with Gwyneth! Because she’s not one of my favorite actresses, lmaooooooo, but it also doesn’t look like she’s really done anything to “fix” her face at all. Sure, it helps that she’s outlandishly beautiful in the first place, but going injectable-free* is still a legitimately bold move for a woman in her industry.

2. Her spot-on performance in “The Talented Mr. Ripley.”

In this movie, Gwyneth played a frosty, WASPy, blonde, needy, underemployed opera attendee encased in a finely honed blond-wood veneer of old-money manners. Sure, she kind of is Marge — but at the very least, Gwyneth was perfectly cast as herself in this movie, and you cannot convince me there will ever be a better use of her talents recorded on film. (I haven’t seen “Country Strong” though, is that good or)

3. Nailing Brad Pitt in his prime.

Have you Google Image-searched “Brad Pitt 1995” lately, because whew. What a time to be alive! I think the look on her face right here says it all, guys. Gwyneth is a hero.


*I mean, if she really is injectable-free. Maybe she’s getting those expensive artisan injectables that give the user’s face an authentic, lived-in patina? IDK, guys, it’s Gwyneth. I am out here TRYING.


Filed under Meta Blogging, Pop Culture

12 responses to “3 Things I Have to Give Gwyneth Paltrow Credit For

  1. Alexandra

    I’m curious: how does one get one of his posts “picked up” by Freshly Pressed? Not that i’m doubting that it was awesome, no no. Was just interested to know how it happens…
    Or is it like in Fight Club? Once you get Freshly Pressed, you don’t talk about it? 😛

    • WordPress has some general guidelines you can Google, but it distills down to “write something good & hope we notice it.” So, kind of a crapshoot! But it probably doesn’t hurt to blog about something newsy or topical, I think.

  2. Entertaining and fun reading. I’m so glad Gwyneth launched you. One of her nobler achievements she may not even know about.

  3. Nice of you to try giving credit where credit is due. Congratulations in scraping together as many as three points. That couldn’t have been easy. If you fancy a real challenge, though, how about making your next post “Things that are great about Donald Trump”?

  4. This was fabulous. I was “launched” by Chace Crawford’s fat lip, which is just about as appealing as Gwyneth. Cheers haha

  5. Gwynethema does seem to come from an ancient Latin word related to anathema but I’m glad to see that you’ve come to realize that she doesn’t have to be excommunicated since she helped launch your micro-career here. And she’s probably benefited from your excoriation because they say it makes the skin glow, and raises the tone. This is really getting to be very up-scale. Almost like an Opera. But it might be best to not sing too high because sometimes dogs can hear it and start to howl too much, although is does make for an interesting Opera and derivative musicals on Broadway. Congratulations on making the best of everything really tony.

  6. I bet Gywneth has a few things to be thankful about your blog.

  7. This blog is absolutely hilarious. I’m dying. Love this to bits.

  8. I’m afraid I have nothing in my drafts folder for you. I’m not even a publisher. However, I’m a big fan of ‘target rich environment’ as a phrase. Clinical. I need to use it more.

  9. Hahah, oh my god. Your sense of humor… just great. Thanks for givin’ her some cred for making you blog-famous! Love your words.

  10. Love this blog! And good on Gwyneth for looking like herself!

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