Shortly after I launched this blog — and yes, “launch” is probably too grandiose there — I wrote a post criticizing some tone-deaf comments by Gwyneth Paltrow about the difficulties she faces as a tremendously wealthy parent. The post was picked up by Freshly Pressed, which generated the most traffic I have ever had to my tiny weird blog, and which gave me an overly optimistic outlook on the prospects for my tiny weird blog. (If anyone has written up a six-figure book deal offer for me, but is saving it in their Drafts folder because it feels “too forward” to send it, know that I have been eagerly awaiting your message every day for the last 15 months.)
Anyway, my point is that I kind of owe Gwyneth Paltrow one, for making me the blogging semi-success that I am today. And by “semi-success,” I mean “blogging has not yet caused bad things to happen in my life, at least not in a direct way that I can easily track.” Not, like, “my aspirational newsletter has expanded into a full-fledged lifestyle brand with an editorial headquarters located in a barn on my Los Angeles property.”
Also, let’s be real — there’s no pride in taking potshots at Gwyneth. The phrase that comes to mind is “low-hanging fruit,” unless you prefer “fish in a barrel,” or perhaps even the super-classy “target-rich environment.” Instead, I find it nobler to give Gwyneth credit where credit is due — not just for launching (oops, sorry, there’s that word again) my blogging hobby, but ALSO for these three other random things I came up with after hours of exhaustive, exhausting research.
(If you know of anything else for which Gwyneth deserves props, please share them in the comments, and I will consider bestowing additional credit if it is deemed appropriate.)
1. Looking like herself.
You know how your favorite actresses from years past will pop up looking unrecognizable after fillers or Botox or vampire facials or whatever? That hasn’t happened with Gwyneth! Because she’s not one of my favorite actresses, lmaooooooo, but it also doesn’t look like she’s really done anything to “fix” her face at all. Sure, it helps that she’s outlandishly beautiful in the first place, but going injectable-free* is still a legitimately bold move for a woman in her industry.
2. Her spot-on performance in “The Talented Mr. Ripley.”
In this movie, Gwyneth played a frosty, WASPy, blonde, needy, underemployed opera attendee encased in a finely honed blond-wood veneer of old-money manners. Sure, she kind of is Marge — but at the very least, Gwyneth was perfectly cast as herself in this movie, and you cannot convince me there will ever be a better use of her talents recorded on film. (I haven’t seen “Country Strong” though, is that good or)
3. Nailing Brad Pitt in his prime.
Have you Google Image-searched “Brad Pitt 1995” lately, because whew. What a time to be alive! I think the look on her face right here says it all, guys. Gwyneth is a hero.
*I mean, if she really is injectable-free. Maybe she’s getting those expensive artisan injectables that give the user’s face an authentic, lived-in patina? IDK, guys, it’s Gwyneth. I am out here TRYING.