7 Animals That Are Total Assholes

1. Geese. I see geese walking slowly across intersections all the time. Just meandering diagonally across a busy, multi-lane road at rush hour, like they’re out for a stroll in the goddamn country. Diagonally. And it’s never one goose; it’s always about twelve of them together. Like a flash mob, but for sauntering. Hey, assholes — USE YOUR WINGS.

2. Deer. They will eat every flower and fruiting plant in your garden, dart out in front of your car to test your brakes, give birth in your backyard, and then take a shit in your driveway for good measure. If you had a neighbor pulling those kind of stunts, you’d call the cops on that asshole immediately.

3. Camels. A camel will kill you over a soda. So that’s something to keep in mind.

4. Pigeons. I was once smacked in the forehead by the wing of a particularly rude pigeon. Can you imagine how filthy the wing of an average pigeon is? When I inevitably develop forehead cancer later in life, I will look back on that wing-smack and think, You disease-vectoring asshole.

5. Polar bears. I’ve made my feelings clear on this one.

6. This one fucking robin. There’s a robin — kind of a fat fuck, honestly — that hangs out in our front yard and shits on our cars all the time. When he hears the front door open, he skitters away, trying to act like he wasn’t doing anything. Like I’m so stupid I’m not going to put two and two together? With, in this case, the first “two” being the fat fucking robin running away from my car, and the second “two” being the fresh bird shit oozing down my windshield, and “four” equaling my fervent wish for this robin to die soon. Fortunately, Wikipedia tells me he probably will.

7. Bedbugs. You might accidentally burn your house down trying to get rid of bedbugs, which is a huge bummer. But even worse, these little assholes have almost completely ruined going to the movies for me. (And I say “almost completely” because having a baby is what well and truly ruined going to the movies for me… but I’ll save that for a later blog post, to be entitled “Babies Who Are Total Assholes.” And it will be a one-item list that reads simply, “Mine.”)


Filed under Flora & Fauna

14 responses to “7 Animals That Are Total Assholes

  1. Brilliant. Hit the nail on the head. The other day I was standing in my yard wondering whether you were allowed to think your own pets were assholes (rather a lot led up to this question) when one my ducks just stood there, right in front of me, snipped off the ONLY rose on my rosebush with his bill and ate it. I was right there with the scissors in my hand ready to put it in a vase. Asshole.

  2. I agree. All those animals are total ass-holes.

  3. I agree with this so much but mostly because I have a really severe fear of birds.

  4. sb2711

    Red Ants 😦

  5. BunKaryudo

    I saw a camel at the zoo once. Didn’t fight me for a Coke or anything. Guess that was a lucky escape.

  6. Jaume Rió

    Reblogged this on jove liberal.

  7. This is so true. Ugh, okay, I don’t want to sound stupid, but would you mind checking out my first blog post because I’m new here and I don’t really know what I’m meant to be doing, but your blog is hilarious so I thought I’d ask you first. x

  8. I completely agree with you on the camel thing. But have you ever made an elephant mad? Well, one advice: NEVER. MAKE. AN. ELEPHANT. MAD. The worst part is that they never forget so if you cross the same elephant TWICE, you’re dead.

  9. Well this certainly has me laughing like a jackass, to myself, at work.

  10. I can’t believe I’ve only just found this blog, it’s fantastic. Hilarious article and totally agree with all of the choices. Well, apart from polar bears, but I feel like we wouldn’t ever find middle ground on that (it probably helps that I didn’t have polar bear related childhood trauma).

  11. Reblogged this on wallacerunnymede and commented:
    Heard an odd story from the weird late-antiquity text Acts of John… bedbugs and other crawly bed-y-bug-y things are quite nice when they are only told nicely to sort themselves out. I wonder what Jains think about this too.

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