1. Yeah, these pants still fit.
2. Probably no one else can smell me right now.
3. I’ll take care of that later.
4. I’m smart enough to figure this out.
5. Symmetrical eyebrows aren’t everything.
6. Everyone is staring at me right now.
7. I’m a cool mom.
8. My Keanu Reeves impression is pretty good.
9. It’s not too late to achieve my dreams.
10. I’m not that crazy.
11. Everything happens for a reason.
12. Kids love me.
13. I’m a good person.
14. My phone must be broken, or I’d have new messages right now.
15. LuAnn de Lesseps is a legitimate role model.
16. My vote matters.
17. I bet nobody even noticed.
18. But my son really is the cutest.
19. Beyoncé would definitely want to be my friend if we ever met.