I love Richard Sherman, and you probably either agree wholeheartedly or disagree violently. Like Hillary Clinton, Lena Dunham, and virtually any other woman who has ever expressed an opinion outside the confines of a well-hidden diary, Sherman is a polarizing figure.
It’s a given that if you’re a Seattle Seahawks fan, you kiss a picture of #25 before you go to bed every night. If you root for another team in the NFC West (or really, any other NFC team) — yeah, you’re probably less enthusiastic.
As for me, I’m a Bengals fan, and the only high-stakes game they’d ever play against the Seahawks would be the Super Bowl … which means I probably don’t have much to worry about. So, with no rivalry concerns, I’m free to appreciate Sherman for his incredible athleticism and skill, as well as the fact that he’s one of the few NFL superstars with a genuine, discernible, non-bland personality.
I’m not saying you have to like the guy, too. (This is America! Let’s celebrate our different opinions — even yours, which are objectively wrong!) But I do feel compelled to point out that, love him or hate him, Richard Sherman is better than you.
Trust me when I say the ways are myriad, but these five are a good jumping-off point for further reflection.
1. Your hands are terrible.
Seriously, it’s like you’re walking around with cinderblocks on the ends of your goddamn arms. You couldn’t even catch feelings if you were a kicky divorcée of semi-advanced age in a Nancy Meyers movie.
2. You have never once annoyed Tom Brady.
“U Mad Bro?” was my first introduction to Richard Sherman, and I immediately became a huge fan of his work. Listen — Tom Brady is a wealthy, attractive star quarterback with multiple Super Bowl rings and a Brazilian supermodel wife. As such, anyone who makes Tom Brady feel a negative emotion is an American hero.
In fact, I believe we should all band together as a nation to make Tom Brady feel bad whenever possible. Servers at restaurants should refill his water glass only halfway. Reporters should ask him only questions beginning with the phrase, “What does Gisele think about…?” His teammates should continue to leave him hanging on any and all high-five attempts. His three children should all grow up to be Jets fans.
Simply put, if you are not in some way emotionally chin-checking Tom Brady, you are not doing your fair share as a citizen of the greatest country on earth. (But you know who is? Richard Sherman.)
Just saying, bro.
4. Your postgame interviews are so boring, they inspired a parody by a Peabody Award-winning comedy duo.
Key & Peele and Drew Magary have pretty much nailed the genre of postgame/halftime interview mockery — which can more broadly be applied to any interview or press conference, ever, with a professional athlete or coach. The script is more or less: “Platitude platitude platitude, non-controversial statement regarding formidability of opponent, platitude platitude, inoffensive self-deprecating joke, non-answer, platitude.”
Richard Sherman is a professional athlete who gives plenty of interviews, but zero fucks. He is not afraid to point out — with feeling — that he is a better cornerback than Michael Crabtree is a receiver. He will call out bottom-feeding reporters who are blatantly trying to bait him into Controversial Richard Sherman Soundbites™. He will strongly imply that Tom Brady is, as we have always suspected, kind of a twat. He will acknowledge that Roger Goodell is buried very deep — all the way up to his delicate, ginger eyebrows — in Robert Kraft’s pockets.
Meanwhile, you’re over there saying some useless shit like, “They’re an impressive football team in every phase of the game.”
5. Your hair is — to put it politely — less than magnificent.
Richard Sherman’s locs are awe-inspiring and majestic. His hair smells of shea butter, confidence, money, and excellence. By contrast, your stringy mop reeks of cheap shampoo, mediocrity, late-night Choco Taco binges, and secret shame.
In closing, Richard Sherman >>>>>> you. And no matter what happens this Sunday, never let yourself forget that.