Intermittently respectable lad mag GQ recently published an interview with Nicki Minaj. It’s terribly done, and there are no circumstances under which you should read it. Since I’ve piqued your curiosity, though, I will now summarize the main beats of this interview, as written from the perspective of curiously beleaguered reporter Taffy Brodesser-Akner.
1. I have so much free time to think about all of the questions I’m not asking Nicki Minaj right now, because she is sleeping through this whole interview!
2. Well, actually, she’s only nodded off about four times for a few seconds each. But I’m going to keep harping on this angle throughout the remainder of the article.
3. Wah, it’s hot in here.
4. Did you know there’s some booty-related tension between Nicki and J. Lo? And it’s not just something I completely fabricated in order to play into tired, hack-y, mandatory catfight tropes. And I definitely did NOT exaggerate this dynamic in order to build a rickety frame around my bizarre riff on the “celebrity profile” format. Nope, none of that happening here — just good, old-fashioned, shoe-leather-on-pavement reporting!
5. “I want to talk about asses so much.” [Ed. note: This is just an actual direct quote from the article.]
6. Could’ve sworn Nicki was making a wry, cynical comment about product placements with her product placements, but she says they’re just product placements. Like, to generate revenue. Sooo … like Kickstarter, or something?
7. Yeah, Nicki’s dad tried to burn the family house down with her mom inside, but let’s give an anecdote about her getting fired from Red Lobster four times as many sentences.
8. She’s an incredibly successful woman in the traditionally male-dominated rap game, with a rare degree of crossover appeal, but I literally cannot think of anything to talk about with Nicki Minaj other than butt stuff.
9. Nicki is making it clear in her new video that she has an ass, so she must be trying to send us a very deep and complex message about gender relations. Can’t wait to confirm this theory!
10. OK, Nicki says that all of the booty imagery is not as complex as I’m making it, so clearly she’s just fucking with me.
11. I mean, it’s not like there’s any reason for this woman to express her sexuality in a bold and forthright manner unless she intends to serve a greater societal purpose by doing so. After all, one does not simply write a lyric about salad-tossing and expect it not to be dissected at great length by academics!
12. But Nicki is still insisting that “Anaconda” is a “normal” video. So it’s gonna be like that.
13. Well, if she really doesn’t have an intricately layered subtext about sex and gender roles underpinning her popular song, its cover art, and the accompanying video, then she must not have ANYTHING to say, and is most likely intellectually bankrupt.
14. Wah, it’s hot in here.
15. Did I mention that Nicki’s people told me ahead of time not to ask about her ass in this interview, because she finds it degrading?
16. I’m an asshole.
17. Yeah, I guess Nicki’s not here for my gender-studies symposium, after all.
18. J. Lo is so jealous of Nicki’s butt, though. Let me reiterate that one last time.
19. BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS BUTTS ASS BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY CHEEKS.