Most of my life choices and daily activities are informed by my all-consuming fear of death. If I’m not worried about dying myself, I’m probably worried about one of my loved ones dying — or, if I need an occasional change of pace, whether or not those girls over there are laughing at me.
(If you don’t spend the majority of your time thinking about death, what do you even think about? Baseball stats? The glycemic index? The collected works of Andrea Dworkin? I can’t even imagine.)
As you might reasonably assume, I’ve spent a lot of time envisioning the various scenarios that might ultimately lead to my demise. Genetics — and regular old statistics — suggest I’m most likely to succumb to heart disease or cancer. But I have a number of other weaknesses, failings, proclivities, and quirks that leave me vulnerable to all kinds of accidental-death situations.
So, how am I most likely to experience an unnatural death? I’d say the odds are stacked in favor of one of these hilarious mishaps/grievous tragedies. (Vote for your favorite in the comments, and — no promises! — but I’ll see what I can do.)
- Unknowingly ingesting a tree nut while at a friend’s remote destination wedding after a dramatic altitude change causes my EpiPen to explode in my purse, rendering it useless.
- Covered in fire ants.
- Covered in oozing rashes.
- Covered in shame.
- Slipping and hitting my head in the shower because the drain is clogged up with my hair again, resulting in a scum-covered, slicker-than-a-skating-rink bathtub surface.
- Unfavorable death panel ruling.
- Like a coward.
- Home alone on the couch, choking on a poorly chewed mouthful of cheese Danish, as a rerun of The Real Housewives of New Jersey plays at an unnecessarily loud volume.
- On the toilet.
- Eating a sandwich on the toilet.
- Choking on a sandwich on the toilet.
- Mistakenly assuming the dessert “Death by Chocolate” is ironically named.
- Non-erotic asphyxiation.
- Freak crocheting accident.
- Casualty of the war on Christmas.
- Impaled in both eyes simultaneously by the antlers of a 12-point buck that falls off a freeway overpass and crash-lands through my windshield.
- Terminal ennui.
- Winning a “Who can hold their breath the longest?” contest.