19 Ways I’m Most Likely to Die

Most of my life choices and daily activities are informed by my all-consuming fear of death. If I’m not worried about dying myself, I’m probably worried about one of my loved ones dying — or, if I need an occasional change of pace, whether or not those girls over there are laughing at me.

(If you don’t spend the majority of your time thinking about death, what do you even think about? Baseball stats? The glycemic index? The collected works of Andrea Dworkin? I can’t even imagine.)

As you might reasonably assume, I’ve spent a lot of time envisioning the various scenarios that might ultimately lead to my demise. Genetics — and regular old statistics — suggest I’m most likely to succumb to heart disease or cancer.Β  But I have a number of other weaknesses, failings, proclivities, and quirks that leave me vulnerable to all kinds of accidental-death situations.

So, how am I most likely to experience an unnatural death? I’d say the odds are stacked in favor of one of these hilarious mishaps/grievous tragedies. (Vote for your favorite in the comments, and — no promises! — but I’ll see what I can do.)

  1. Unknowingly ingesting a tree nut while at a friend’s remote destination wedding after a dramatic altitude change causes my EpiPen to explode in my purse, rendering it useless.
  2. Covered in fire ants.
  3. Covered in oozing rashes.
  4. Covered in shame.
  5. Slipping and hitting my head in the shower because the drain is clogged up with my hair again, resulting in a scum-covered, slicker-than-a-skating-rink bathtub surface.
  6. Unfavorable death panel ruling.
  7. Like a coward.
  8. Home alone on the couch, choking on a poorly chewed mouthful of cheese Danish, as a rerun of The Real Housewives of New Jersey plays at an unnecessarily loud volume.
  9. On the toilet.
  10. Eating a sandwich on the toilet.
  11. Choking on a sandwich on the toilet.
  12. Mistakenly assuming the dessert “Death by Chocolate” is ironically named.
  13. Non-erotic asphyxiation.
  14. Freak crocheting accident.
  15. Casualty of the war on Christmas.
  16. Impaled in both eyes simultaneously by the antlers of a 12-point buck that falls off a freeway overpass and crash-lands through my windshield.
  17. Terminal ennui.
  18. Neglect.
  19. Winning a “Who can hold their breath the longest?” contest.


Filed under My Stupid Life

19 responses to “19 Ways I’m Most Likely to Die

  1. It’s funny, I have a note to do a post much like this one in my notebook. I haven’t written the post yet because my friends/family think I think about death an awkward amount of the time. But it’s a legitimate fear and also a legitimate thing to think about. I think to myself, “Hmm, I wonder what’s going to take me out.” Probably something ridiculous and very much preventable. Although I don’t think about freak crocheting accidents, I frequently think about freak fire hydrant accidents and feel like that is a realistic possibility.

    As for you, I’m voting for # 17. I hear it’s a dangerous up and comer in the next decades.

  2. Oh my god, this whole piece could have been written by me, to a t! Are you a me from an alternate dimension, converging on WordPress?

  3. Sam

    Number 4 is my favorite πŸ™‚

  4. Ah! These are great! L. O. L.

  5. Pingback: This Is How I’m Going To Die | Wordsmithing Ain't Easy

  6. Jae

    I fear #14 the most (Freak crocheting accident) that’s why I avoid all forms of Crocheting and Crocheters – actually, I even avoid craft shops just to be safe. Those needles are Sharp!

  7. I needed this laugh today!!
    I voted, wholeheartedly for death by chocolate- is there any other way? Unless it was something a little more ‘fun’. Otherwise, chocolate is by far my next choice!

    As far as those that need psychotherapy, I’ll give you a group discount! :p

  8. One of the best conversations of my life that I can remember right now because it’s pertinent to this comment started with my lady and I imagining literal Death By Chocolate scenarios (while, of course, consuming said dessert in a reckless feat of daring). That being said, I’m curious about #6. What brings you in front of said Death Panel? Is reflecting on the possibility of being brought before a Death Panel a large part of your fixation on mortality? If so, could this be another post in itself?! So many possibilities… πŸ˜‰

  9. i like the last one,,,at least you won,,, πŸ™‚

  10. The Chosen One

    You are funny. I have also started my humor blog. Please can you just check it out and give me some tips?

  11. My friends and I once had a conversation about the unconventional ways we might die so this post really gave me a good laugh, especially the freak crocheting accident, which I even brought up since I love to crochet. I’m glad there are others out there that can take death seriously but also can look at it and still find a way to make jokes.

  12. #15 is a real fear of mine.This is a great post, I enjoyed it a lot. You should check out my blog sometime and give me some notes so I can be half as funny as this.

  13. How does one get into a freak crochet accident. Like seriously.

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