Monthly Archives: October 2014

The Nicki Minaj GQ Interview in 19 Bullets

Intermittently respectable lad mag GQ recently published an interview with Nicki Minaj. It’s terribly done, and there are no circumstances under which you should read it. Since I’ve piqued your curiosity, though, I will now summarize the main beats of this interview, as written from the perspective of curiously beleaguered reporter Taffy Brodesser-Akner.

(You’re welcome.)

1.  I have so much free time to think about all of the questions I’m not asking Nicki Minaj right now, because she is sleeping through this whole interview!

2.  Well, actually, she’s only nodded off about four times for a few seconds each. But I’m going to keep harping on this angle throughout the remainder of the article.

3.  Wah, it’s hot in here. Continue reading

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Filed under Pop Culture

19 Ways I’m Most Likely to Die

Most of my life choices and daily activities are informed by my all-consuming fear of death. If I’m not worried about dying myself, I’m probably worried about one of my loved ones dying — or, if I need an occasional change of pace, whether or not those girls over there are laughing at me.

(If you don’t spend the majority of your time thinking about death, what do you even think about? Baseball stats? The glycemic index? The collected works of Andrea Dworkin? I can’t even imagine.)

As you might reasonably assume, I’ve spent a lot of time envisioning the various scenarios that might ultimately lead to my demise. Genetics — and regular old statistics — suggest I’m most likely to succumb to heart disease or cancer.  But I have a number of other weaknesses, failings, proclivities, and quirks that leave me vulnerable to all kinds of accidental-death situations.

So, how am I most likely to experience an unnatural death? I’d say the odds are stacked in favor of one of these hilarious mishaps/grievous tragedies. (Vote for your favorite in the comments, and — no promises! — but I’ll see what I can do.)

Continue reading

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Filed under My Stupid Life

17 Things Football Analysts Say

1.  National Football League

2.  Special player

3.  Very special player

4.  Putting on a clinic

5.  Both sides of the ball

6.  Every-down back

7.  Bang-bang play

8.  Those are some thick thighs. I bet you have a hard time buying pants.* Continue reading

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Filed under Pop Culture