You’re so vain, you probably think Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” is about you. Well, guess what, Narcissus? It’s not, and neither are most other things in life.
If it’s not too much trouble, please stop gazing into that pond long enough to read this list. While not totally comprehensive, this is a good starting point on your journey to the realization that you are but one of many meaningless and indeterminate piles of carbon resulting from a wacky cosmic coincidence that occurred many millennia ago.
1. Bob Dylan’s “Positively 4th Street.”
2. One Direction’s “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful.”
3. Any choice a woman ever makes.
4. Most of Shakespeare’s sonnets.
5. The first letter in this week’s “Dear Prudence” chat.
6. Star Wars: Episode VII casting rumors.
7. The knowing look your in-laws just wordlessly exchanged.
8. The various anecdotes about my work day that I’m going to bombard you with as soon as I walk in the door.
9. That weird sex dream your coworker had last night.
10. The fact that your dentist’s office is no longer booking hygiene appointments on Saturdays.
11. Your therapist’s early retirement.
12. Our counter-terrorism strategy in the Middle East.
13. That guy’s decision to cross the street when he saw you heading his way.
14. The company’s decision to eliminate your position, effective immediately.
15. That subtweet.
16. The intimate giggle those two girls are sharing as they whisper behind their hands while stealing furtive glances in your direction.
17. Everything, all the time.
18. This list.