Monthly Archives: September 2014

18 Things That Aren’t About You

You’re so vain, you probably think Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” is about you. Well, guess what, Narcissus? It’s not, and neither are most other things in life.

If it’s not too much trouble, please stop gazing into that pond long enough to read this list. While not totally comprehensive, this is a good starting point on your journey to the realization that you are but one of many meaningless and indeterminate piles of carbon resulting from a wacky cosmic coincidence that occurred many millennia ago. Continue reading

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11 Things You Would Do If You Really Loved Your Baby

1. Lose all the baby weight immediately. Do you want your child to think of you as svelte and conventionally attractive, or slovenly and besaddlebagged?

2. Get rid of your TV. Well, don’t just get rid of it — that’s wasteful. Convert it into a planter for an organic herb garden.

3. Breastfeed. Until he’s 12 years old. Continue reading

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My Top 7 Work Email Passive-Aggressions

I’m a woman, which means I’ve been groomed from birth to believe that my two primary functions in society are (1) to please others and (2) to be  pleasing to others. So it’s basically a miracle that every work email I send is not a helter-skelter concatenation of apologies, exclamation points, lols, and smiley faces.

As I age, though, I’m trying harder and harder not to apologize just for (1) existing and (2) completing the functions outlined in my job description. But it’s hard to overwrite years of psychological conditioning. So now I’m at a point where I review each message carefully before I send it, and I usually end up editing out (and then re-adding, and then cutting again, and then sometimes compromising on) about five apologies a week. Based on my hourly rate, I would estimate that my company pays me nearly $200 every week to carefully consider my usage of the phrase “I’m sorry” via email.

Continue reading

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Filed under My Stupid Life, Questionable Cubicling