Beyoncé is a feminist! This we know, for Beyoncé tells us so.
It should really be this easy, but it’s not. Because instead of saying, “I’m a feminist” while wearing a pantsuit with shoulder pads and castrating a bull, Beyoncé said, “I’m a feminist” while wearing a sparkly leotard and — perhaps most unsettling of all — moving her body in such a way as to suggest that she’s had sex before. Talk about mixed messages!
Since there’s nothing else going on in the U.S. right now — not like we’re bombing Iraq again, or dealing with a rash of unjustifiable police homicides against black men — there is currently a great debate raging as to whether Beyoncé is really a feminist, and if so, whether she’s feminist enough, and if so, did you even notice she was gyrating?
I’m not saying we only have to talk about Serious Pressing Issues all the time, guys, because that’s Nancy Grace’s beat and she covers it very thoroughly. But since Beyoncé has told us she’s a feminist, maybe we should just assume she’s the kind of feminist who likes to dance, and not always wear pants, and sometimes even have sex? And that frees us up to discuss other matters that aren’t quite so clear-cut, such as:
- What’s the best cheese combination for fondue?
- Why are vampires so sexy?
- What’s your Mount Rushmore of seasonal Starbucks drinks?
- Can you call yourself a “musician” if you only play the triangle?
- Who’s whiter: Marie Osmond or Jessica Simpson?
- Is there ever an appropriate time to wear one’s collar in the style known as “popped”?
- Does this mole look slightly more irregular than it did last week?
- How different would our lives be today if Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were still together?
- Which came first — soy-based “chicken” patties or cholesterol-free egg substitute?
- What should our elected leaders do to address the school-to-prison pipeline?
- Is it too late to become a serious fan of The Killers?
- Should insurance companies cover rib removals for non-medical reasons?
- NFL touchdown celebrations: Lighthearted revelry, or intolerable showboatery?
- Team Ted or Team Kyle? (And if you don’t get the Hey Dude reference, you can show yourself out.)
- If Stephen Hawking is so smart, why didn’t he invent the Ice Bucket Challenge years ago?
- Is your mom a feminist?