The 31 Worst Kinds of People

There are very few people in the world I truly hate, because hating takes a lot of energy and I am LAAA-ZYYYY! (Please read that last word in the sing-song-y tone of your preference.) But if disliking people were a sport, I would be the Serena Williams of my generation. OK, maybe not — Serena Williams is the Serena Williams of my generation, and Serena Williams is actually two months younger than me, and I am such a failure compared to Serena Williams.

So forget all of that Serena Williams stuff, I guess.

What I’m trying to say is that I’ve achieved superhuman levels of skill, if you are of the mind that “actively disliking and dismissing entire groups of people” is a craft. Having spent more than three decades finely honing my abilities to pre-judge, sneer at, and dismiss my fellow man, I am pleased today to present you with a comprehensive list of The Actual Worst Kinds of People. (This is the closest I will ever get to writing a thesis. But please call me “Doctor” anyway.)

  1. Teenagers.
  2. BMW drivers.
  3. One-uppers.
  4. Bret Easton Ellis characters.
  5. John Mayer.
  6. Self-proclaimed “foodies.”
  7. People who pronounce “nuclear” as “nuke-yoo-ler.”
  8. Male coworkers.
  9. Beyoncé conspiracy theorists.
  10. Bumper sticker enthusiasts.
  11. Dallas Cowboys fans.
  12. Jason Biggs.
  13. Gluten bashers.
  14. Passive-aggressors.
  15. People who say “reverse racism.”
  16. Anti-vaxxers.
  17. Whoever decided there needed to be two Xs in “anti-vaxxers.”
  18. Attendees at Dave Matthews Band shows.
  19. Open-mouthed chewers.
  20. Internet commenters.
  21. People who use “lol” as a catch-all punctuation mark.
  22. Ph.D.s who insist you address them as “Doctor.”
  23. Bloggers who insist you address them as “Doctor.”
  24. Iggy Azalea.
  25. Women who claim they “just don’t get along” with other women.
  26. Self-described “hardcore” anything.
  27. People who don’t like the same things I like.
  28. Rock of Love contestants who aren’t even here for Bret.
  29. Grocery shoppers who pay by check.
  30. Clickbait listicle authors.
  31. Jay Leno.


Filed under Incontrovertible Facts

7 responses to “The 31 Worst Kinds of People

  1. Haha hahahaha!!!!
    #25 FOREVER! Solidarity, sister!

  2. amskerl9

    #11 absolutely!!

  3. #28 – is Bret still looking for love?

  4. I’m guilty of #21 in a comment I just made on your other blog post about shitting your pants. LOL..oops did it again. I do like your blog though and am with you on #13 – Jaysus I love gluten.

    • You’re fired, Julie… lol JK!

      I was once out at a bar and had a guy I didn’t know lecture me for 20 minutes about how gluten was negatively impacting my health. If I knew his name, he would have been called out specifically in this post.

  5. I was going to comment listing the ones I agree with, then I realised it would be easier to list the ones I disagreed with, then I realised I didn’t disagree with any. I especially don’t disagree with: 1, 5, 15, 16, 21 and 27.

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