33 Things I Haven’t Failed at Yet

I’m turning 33 at the end of this month — the same age as Jesus when he died. Not to mention John Belushi, Chris Farley, Eva Peron, and Eva Braun. Of that group, I would say I’m like 30% Farley (minus the coke), 25% Peron (the Madonna version), and 45% Christ (more for the hair than anything else).

It’s a total cliché for a woman over 30, so I hate to admit that I kind of hate my birthday. I don’t dislike getting older, necessarily, but I spend every birthday thinking about everything I haven’t yet accomplished in my life. I mean, honestly — if you have any idea what the fuck I was doing the whole time I was in my 20s, please contact me with the details. I know I had about a decade’s worth of free time, and I can’t remember doing a single constructive thing.

In an effort to circumvent my annual shame spiral, I decided to create a list of things I haven’t yet failed to accomplish — one for each year of my life. Granted, the odds are pretty high that I’ll end up having failed at a good chunk of these by the time the ultimate tally is taken … but not yet, guys.

Not yet.

  1. Acting as my own attorney.
  2. Being named to a “40 Under 40” list.
  3. Disrupting social norms by being the first woman to Have It All™.
  4. Embarrassing my son in front of his friends.
  5. Signing an endorsement deal with Proactiv.
  6. My Oscar acceptance speech.
  7. Secretly gestating Ryan Gosling’s firstborn.
  8. Directing a viral video where a bunch of goats yell out the complete lyrics to “Alice’s Restaurant.”
  9. Hosting a daytime talk show.
  10. Captivating the world with my perky bum during my sister’s globally televised wedding event.
  11. Running for U.S. Senate.
  12. Filing charges against Vivid Entertainment regarding their “unauthorized” release of my “sex tape” with noted porn star Ron Jeremy.
  13. My “Final Jeopardy!” wager.
  14. Convincing everyone in my life to refer to me by my preferred nickname, “Lord of the Dance.”
  15. Slapping every single person who has ever used the word “impactful.”
  16. Appearing on an episode of TLC’s Lottery Changed My Life.
  17. Getting Twitter-famous by launching a wildly popular hashtag that perfectly captures the zeitgeist.
  18. Becoming an icon of “social-media slacktivism” after media critics charge that my hashtag isn’t doing enough to improve people’s lives.
  19. Navigating the gradual decline of my acting career by launching a lifestyle brand.
  20. Finding Jimmy Hoffa’s remains.
  21. Finding Geraldo’s remains, should the need arise for such an expedition.
  22. Menopause.
  23. Expanding my Captain Picard/Captain Kirk slashfic into a trilogy of erotic novels.
  24. Filling my Boniva prescription.
  25. Learning to play the entire Kenny Loggins catalog, by ear, on a recorder.
  26. Joining the AARP.
  27. Gracing the cover of People‘s “50 Most Beautiful People” issue.
  28. Gracing the cover of People‘s “Sexiest Man Alive” issue.
  29. Getting fitted for dentures.
  30. Filming a shot-for-shot remake of the 2012 Disney classic John Carter.
  31. Scheduling a hip-replacement surgery.
  32. Writing a scathing letter to the editor of Redbook regarding a typo in their recipe for spaghetti pie.
  33. Death.


Filed under My Stupid Life

8 responses to “33 Things I Haven’t Failed at Yet

  1. funny..
    I’m actually considering the possibility of you been funnier than me

  2. michellekwamboka

    Reblogged this on MEETme,michelle and commented:

  3. My brain kinda boggled at this list, but I can’t deny it’s an ambitious one – any particular one you’d REALLY like to focus on? Fab idea btw… I may have to borrow this concept when my birthday rolls around once again… 😀

    • I’d like to hit the ground running on this secret Gosling pregnancy. Honestly, I could really go for 12 weeks of FMLA leave right now. I do recommend the list idea — it’s strangely uplifting to dwell on future failures, for a change.

      • Gosling pregnancy – oh yes, yes, a true stand-out item on the list… 😀 well, all you need is a deadline, and a chance run-in! Ever considered being a seat filler at the Oscars? 😉

  4. Ah yes. Nothing like a fresh perspective ;). Happy almost birthday my dear Lord of the Dance

  5. Can’t wait for the article ’34’ !!! 🙂

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