I’m turning 33 at the end of this month — the same age as Jesus when he died. Not to mention John Belushi, Chris Farley, Eva Peron, and Eva Braun. Of that group, I would say I’m like 30% Farley (minus the coke), 25% Peron (the Madonna version), and 45% Christ (more for the hair than anything else).
It’s a total cliché for a woman over 30, so I hate to admit that I kind of hate my birthday. I don’t dislike getting older, necessarily, but I spend every birthday thinking about everything I haven’t yet accomplished in my life. I mean, honestly — if you have any idea what the fuck I was doing the whole time I was in my 20s, please contact me with the details. I know I had about a decade’s worth of free time, and I can’t remember doing a single constructive thing.
In an effort to circumvent my annual shame spiral, I decided to create a list of things I haven’t yet failed to accomplish — one for each year of my life. Granted, the odds are pretty high that I’ll end up having failed at a good chunk of these by the time the ultimate tally is taken … but not yet, guys.
- Acting as my own attorney.
- Being named to a “40 Under 40” list.
- Disrupting social norms by being the first woman to Have It All™.
- Embarrassing my son in front of his friends.
- Signing an endorsement deal with Proactiv.
- My Oscar acceptance speech.
- Secretly gestating Ryan Gosling’s firstborn.
- Directing a viral video where a bunch of goats yell out the complete lyrics to “Alice’s Restaurant.”
- Hosting a daytime talk show.
- Captivating the world with my perky bum during my sister’s globally televised wedding event.
- Running for U.S. Senate.
- Filing charges against Vivid Entertainment regarding their “unauthorized” release of my “sex tape” with noted porn star Ron Jeremy.
- My “Final Jeopardy!” wager.
- Convincing everyone in my life to refer to me by my preferred nickname, “Lord of the Dance.”
- Slapping every single person who has ever used the word “impactful.”
- Appearing on an episode of TLC’s Lottery Changed My Life.
- Getting Twitter-famous by launching a wildly popular hashtag that perfectly captures the zeitgeist.
- Becoming an icon of “social-media slacktivism” after media critics charge that my hashtag isn’t doing enough to improve people’s lives.
- Navigating the gradual decline of my acting career by launching a lifestyle brand.
- Finding Jimmy Hoffa’s remains.
- Finding Geraldo’s remains, should the need arise for such an expedition.
- Expanding my Captain Picard/Captain Kirk slashfic into a trilogy of erotic novels.
- Filling my Boniva prescription.
- Learning to play the entire Kenny Loggins catalog, by ear, on a recorder.
- Joining the AARP.
- Gracing the cover of People‘s “50 Most Beautiful People” issue.
- Gracing the cover of People‘s “Sexiest Man Alive” issue.
- Getting fitted for dentures.
- Filming a shot-for-shot remake of the 2012 Disney classic John Carter.
- Scheduling a hip-replacement surgery.
- Writing a scathing letter to the editor of Redbook regarding a typo in their recipe for spaghetti pie.