Monthly Archives: July 2014

33 Things I Haven’t Failed at Yet

I’m turning 33 at the end of this month — the same age as Jesus when he died. Not to mention John Belushi, Chris Farley, Eva Peron, and Eva Braun. Of that group, I would say I’m like 30% Farley (minus the coke), 25% Peron (the Madonna version), and 45% Christ (more for the hair than anything else).

It’s a total cliché for a woman over 30, so I hate to admit that I kind of hate my birthday. I don’t dislike getting older, necessarily, but I spend every birthday thinking about everything I haven’t yet accomplished in my life. I mean, honestly — if you have any idea what the fuck I was doing the whole time I was in my 20s, please contact me with the details. I know I had about a decade’s worth of free time, and I can’t remember doing a single constructive thing.

In an effort to circumvent my annual shame spiral, I decided to create a list of things I haven’t yet failed to accomplish — one for each year of my life. Granted, the odds are pretty high that I’ll end up having failed at a good chunk of these by the time the ultimate tally is taken … but not yet, guys.

Not yet.

Continue reading

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Filed under My Stupid Life

6-Step Guide to Flying With a Toddler

I recently returned from a family vacation to the time zone at the other end of the country. While planning this lighthearted jaunt, my thought was, “Surely a four-hour flight with a one-year-old will be less painful than a three-day drive!”

While actually living through this journey into the bowels of human depravity and suffering, my constant thought was, “Which article of my clothing could most quickly be fashioned into a makeshift noose?” (Note to self: Next time, wear shoes with laces.)

I mean, it’s one thing to endure a long trip with an unhappy 12-month-old. It’s another thing altogether to know that you are forcing an entire crowd of innocent victims to endure a long trip with an unhappy 12-month-old. And it’s important to remember that a toddler’s inability to grasp the concept of “time change” is equaled only by his inability to give a single, solitary fuck about airplane etiquette.

So how do you fly cross-country with this kind of monster while still maintaining a scrap or two of dignity? It’s simple — all you have to do is follow the six easy steps below. Continue reading

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Filed under Self-Improvement

7 Chilling Scenes from Tyra’s Dystopian Future

I love Tyra Banks — either because she is genuinely a narcissistic buffoon who can’t seem to keep herself from saying stupid shit literally all the time, or because she is a master of self-parody. I can’t tell which reality we live in, but it truly doesn’t matter. Either way, she is successful and wealthy and UTTERLY RIDICULOUS, and I would watch reruns of America’s Next Top Model and Life-Size every day — if only my schedule permitted! — simply to bask in the Tyra-rrificness of it all.

With her hilarious contribution this week to The Wall Street Journal, we may have actually achieved peak Tyra. My initial response to this article was a delighted squeal of, “WHAT IS THIS EVEN???” — a question with many possible answers:

A.  It’s a prediction of future beauty trends, written by Harvard alum Tyra Banks.
B.  It’s a dystopian manifesto, as penned by the author of the young adult classic Modelland.
C.  It is the sound of a one-legged aspiring model stomping it out TO THE DEATH.
D.  It is the sound of the seventh seal breaking wide open.

But no, the answer is E. It is everything.

What does the future of beauty hold for us? So sayeth Tyra: Continue reading

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Filed under Pop Culture