My 30 Most Mundane Fears

I’ve been absent from the blog for a while, but I promise I am working on a HILARIOUS post about the vacation I just took. Much funnier than the actual vacation itself, which has already become an indistinct blur of airport panic, flop sweat, rental-car regrets, temper tantrums, lackluster water pressure, and unflattering photos.

In the meantime, I think it’s been well-established in this space that I am one neurotic bitch. How neurotic?, you’re wondering. Well, I’m so neurotic that I’ve succumbed to a sudden, strong urge to catalog all of my greatest fears. Because if I keep them all in one location, I CAN CONTROL THEM. (Guys, should I be medicated…?)

There are a few categories we’re not even going to cover on this list, because they’re simply too grand in scale and too numerous to mention: The sudden, tragic deaths of family members; being stranded in the wilderness after a plane crash; anything negative that could ever possibly happen to my son; nuclear war. You know, the big shit. This is just a round-up of the relatively minor, mundane terrors that occupy my thoughts on a daily basis. Welcome to my waking nightmare!

  1. Wild animals on the loose in unexpected locations.
  2. Birds and rodents — anytime, anywhere.
  3. Being dressed inappropriately for the weather.
  4. Small groups of men I don’t know.
  5. Groups of teenage girls giggling. (ARE THEY LAUGHING AT ME.)
  6. Breaking a bone.
  7. Being noticed.
  8. Being overlooked.
  9. Fremdscham.
  10. Mispronouncing a word in front of people who know better.
  11. Finally realizing I’ve been mispronouncing the same word for years.
  12. Driving by myself to an unfamiliar location.
  13. Catching a rare and deadly disease due to a freak accident (e.g., picking up diphtheria from a rest-stop toilet).
  14. Bugs crawling on me, particularly in an indoor context.
  15. Roller coasters.
  16. Accidentally eating tree nuts (I’m very allergic).
  17. Accidentally eating pork, beef, or seafood (I JUST THINK THEY’RE GROSS).
  18. Encountering a benevolent ghost.
  19. Encountering a hostile ghost.
  20. Hitting a deer with my car, especially a baby deer.
  21. Saying something out loud when I only meant to think it.
  22. Eating in front of someone I’m trying to impress.
  23. Urinary tract infections.
  24. Bedbugs.
  25. Forgetting something really important.
  26. Not having a tampon handy when I need it.
  27. Doing the wrong thing.
  28. Being caught doing something wrong.
  29. Never doing anything at all.
  30. Trigonometry.

6 Comments

Filed under My Stupid Life

6 responses to “My 30 Most Mundane Fears

  1. All excellent fears to have. Well, except for seafood. You are just dead wrong there. Ummm…medication… Maybe a smidge? Just to take the edge off?

  2. ‘Eating in front of someone I’m trying to impress’ gets my vote all the way 🙂 unfortunately, food wins almost every time…

  3. ’21. Saying something out loud when I only meant to think it.’ THIS! This has literally been the subject of some horrible nightmares D:

  4. Reblogged this on MEEt me and commented:
    funny…reallyfunny

  5. Pingback: 19 Ways I’m Most Likely to Die | nihilisticle

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