Ugh, babies — am I right? They’re a lot of fucking work, if you’re trying to do a halfway decent job. But there are a few simple tricks that can make the ceaseless indignity of being a parent so much easier, you’ll forget you even have kids! Read on if you’re ready to be dumbfounded by these amazing life hacks …
1. Drop your baby off in the woods to be raised by a pack of feral cats. Cats are majestic and beautiful animals. What’s more, they are very clean and super-intelligent. Now, take a hard look in the mirror. Can you honestly say the same about yourself? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
2. Float your baby in a basket down the river to find a new family. Well, it was good enough for Moses. Do you think your baby is better than the man who led the Israelites out of Egypt? Because I haven’t even met your kid, and I can tell you honestly that the answer is NOPE.
3. Go out to eat at a chain restaurant, and leave your baby as the tip. An informal survey of imaginary food-service workers reveals that nine out of ten servers would be delighted to receive a human child as a gratuity, in lieu of the traditional pile of used, filthy, potentially hepatitis-contaminated paper money — which, sorry, is trés gauche! (The tenth server works at Noodles & Co., where they have a no-tipping policy.)
4. Attach an outlandish number of helium balloons to your baby, and bid him adieu as he sets off on his amazing, character-building journey through life. But if you’re going to do this, it’s crucial that you commit. Don’t do it halfway. Tip: You’re going to need roughly 28% more balloons than you think.
5. Hand over your baby to Rumpelstiltskin in fulfillment of the pact you made with him before you became queen. I mean, c’mon. After he spun all of that straw into gold for you? Don’t be a bitch about it, dude.