Monthly Archives: June 2014

My 30 Most Mundane Fears

I’ve been absent from the blog for a while, but I promise I am working on a HILARIOUS post about the vacation I just took. Much funnier than the actual vacation itself, which has already become an indistinct blur of airport panic, flop sweat, rental-car regrets, temper tantrums, lackluster water pressure, and unflattering photos.

In the meantime, I think it’s been well-established in this space that I am one neurotic bitch. How neurotic?, you’re wondering. Well, I’m so neurotic that I’ve succumbed to a sudden, strong urge to catalog all of my greatest fears. Because if I keep them all in one location, I CAN CONTROL THEM. (Guys, should I be medicated…?)

There are a few categories we’re not even going to cover on this list, because they’re simply too grand in scale and too numerous to mention: The sudden, tragic deaths of family members; being stranded in the wilderness after a plane crash; anything negative that could ever possibly happen to my son; nuclear war. You know, the big shit. This is just a round-up of the relatively minor, mundane terrors that occupy my thoughts on a daily basis. Welcome to my waking nightmare! Continue reading

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My Dad, In 5 Quotes

My dad has always said that he doesn’t want to be the “Number One Dad.” Too much pressure, he says. But I can honestly report that he is probably the Number Four Dad in the whole world, or maybe even Number Three.

If I had over thirty years’ worth of video footage and the know-how to make GIFs, this post would just be a series of GIFs of my dad dancing. But I don’t and I don’t, and so it’s your loss that you’ll never get to see my pops doing the sprinkler. (That shit used to KILL at the Father-Daughter Dance.) Continue reading

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8 Blockbuster Rom-Com Pitches (You’re Welcome)

Have you ever watched a movie so terrible (Just Go With It) that it left you thinking, “Why can’t I have a career as a successful Hollywood screenwriter?” The good news is — you can! If you are a white guy who already has a number of high-powered connections in the movie industry, that is.

For the rest of us, I thought I’d share a few starter pitches to help get your creative juices flowing. Feel free to steal any of these as the basis for your soon-to-be-Black Listed spec script.

In return for sharing my billion-dollar ideas, all I ask is the “Film By” credit and a tearful thanks in your Oscar speech. (Don’t you DARE Chad Lowe me.) And don’t worry about me — I’ll just pull a few more nuggets of rom-com gold out of my ass if I really need to, you know? Continue reading

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These 5 Simple Parenting Hacks Will Amaze You

Ugh, babies — am I right? They’re a lot of fucking work, if you’re trying to do a halfway decent job. But there are a few simple tricks that can make the ceaseless indignity of being a parent so much easier, you’ll forget you even have kids! Read on if you’re ready to be dumbfounded by these amazing life hacks …

1. Drop your baby off in the woods to be raised by a pack of feral cats. Cats are majestic and beautiful animals. What’s more, they are very clean and super-intelligent. Now, take a hard look in the mirror. Can you honestly say the same about yourself? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Continue reading

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12 Ways I’m Just Like a Horse

I don’t know why all of these VERY INTERESTING COINCIDENCES crystallized for me today in the form of this list. But I’ll tell you what — it feels very right and very cosmic. Sometimes the spirit just moves through you, and Seabiscuit is my spirit animal. Continue reading

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