There’s no point in dancing around the issue here, so let’s be blunt: You screw up, and you screw up A LOT. In fact, it’s kind of amazing that you manage to survive on a daily basis. Seriously — can you do anything right?
Listen. I know your heart is in the right place, and I’m sure you mean well. But frankly, you’re about the biggest fucking failure I’ve ever met.
It’s hard to know where to even start with a list of your many missteps, but I came up with these 298 offenses right off the top of my head. Here’s the short list of what you’re doing wrong:
- Laundry, about 7 different ways.
- Cooking these 140 things.
- Plus eggs.
- And there are at least 23 ways you’ve bungled eating Asian food.
- Honestly, you haven’t fared much better at dieting.
- Fasting has also proven to be a challenge.
- Drinking coffee seems to be a real pain point for you.
- Cinco de Mayo was basically a train wreck this year.
- I’m counting 4 different ways your resume is terrible.
- Your LinkedIn, meanwhile, is actually 5 kinds of fucked.
- Shouldn’t Gmail be self-explanatory? But you’ve managed to botch it 10 times over.
- I know we’ve talked about your 11 Twitter blunders before.
- Not to mention these 10 examples of how you’re failing at social media in general.
- Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge your pathetic attempts at passwords.
- I’m pretty sure Steve Jobs specifically designed your iPhone to be user-friendly, but you’ve found 9 ways to shit on his legacy.
- These 3 yoga poses look terrible when you do them.
- (Ditto this other yoga pose.)
- One word: Kegels. (Trust me, I can tell — since you’re also doing privacy wrong.)
- You’ve proven — 6 times over — that you’re such an amateur at skiing, we’ve decided to cut you out of the annual Banff sojourn.
- Which is just as well, since you’ve discovered 8 ways to be totally useless at jet lag.
- I mean, on an average day, you’ve fucked up at least 12 things before noon.
- And you know, honestly? These 22 other things could stand some improvement, too.
- You’ve bungled about 11 things that you forgot, for Christ’s sake.
- Not to even mention THE 7 MOST BASIC THINGS EVER, which you can’t seem to get your head around.
- (Like washing your goddamn hands, for example? Ever heard of it?)