This is a post about my mom, because DUH IT’S MOTHER’S DAY, but I’ve already distracted myself with the title. My sister used to work with a woman who thought that “quintessential is when you have five of something” (e.g., quintuplets), and so now I’m worried people are going to think I think that, too.
I know what quintessential means, guys! It’s only a coincidence that there are five of them!
Defensiveness aside, my mom is a fucking gem. She is smart, feisty, nurturing, and just a touch meddling. She is such a mom that it’s almost like she was shipped in from Central Casting to play the role of “Mom” in the low-rated, straight-to-cable movie that is my life. When parenting me and my sister just isn’t enough, she has been known to branch out and mother other people’s children (including my own, which is mighty convenient), because she has so much mothering to give.
In honor of my Alpha Mom, here are five quotes that will forever be tattooed on my psyche — along with a full translation from Mom into English. I love you, Ma!
#1. “Don’t play in front of the stairs!”
What are you, an idiot? You wanna spend the rest of your life paralyzed because you were horsing around in front of the stairs like a goddamn lunatic? You think I want to spend MY Sunday evening driving you to the hospital? And who’s going to wipe your ass when you’re a quadriplegic? Not me — I’ve got better things to do, thank you very much!
#2. “Ya think?”
No shit. #smdh
#3. “Did you send those thank-you notes yet?”
You realize that people are probably talking — right now! — about what an ungrateful heathen you are, right? And that reflects on me, unfortunately, since I raised your lazy ass. Let me make this very clear: YOU ARE MAKING ME LOOK BAD. And you can go ahead and mess with this bull if you want, but I promise you will get the horns, young lady.
#4. “That’s it! I’m sending back all of your [Christmas/birthday/Easter/Talk Like a Pirate Day] presents!”
You know, you’re being a real dick right now, and I’m tired of your attitude. In fact, I’ll probably only spend about fifty more dollars on you before [Christmas/your birthday/Easter/Talk Like a Pirate Day] arrives. If that doesn’t teach you some respect, I don’t know what will.
#5. “Oh… I thought you wanted to look nice.”
Hey. You look like shit. AND WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT MAKING ME LOOK BAD???