In case you didn’t know, Beyoncé is amazingly beautiful and exceptionally talented and outlandishly famous. Beyoncé is a triple threat who can sing and dance and act. (Dreamgirls aside — if you haven’t seen Obsessed at least twice, you and I probably have nothing to talk about.) Beyoncé is married to Jay-Z, who is also outlandishly famous, and together they are very wealthy and successful and in love.
By all reasonable measures, there is no way in which Beyoncé has not attained excellence. The only possible negative that’s even tangentially related to Beyoncé is the difficulty one faces in trying to buy tickets to one of her shows, but this is just an unfortunate side effect of Beyoncé being one of the most sought-after women in the world.
So, you might say that Beyoncé’s chief flaw — the one she would have to cite as her “biggest weakness” if she were ever to interview for a job as shift manager at a Ruby Tuesday — would be, “There is not enough of Beyoncé to go around.”
(She could also say, “Beyoncé sometimes talks about herself in the third person,” but a valid argument could be made for this as an endearing personality quirk.)
Because Beyoncé exists on a somewhat higher plane than most other humans, she is a frequent target of weird, petty, and occasionally ugly rumors and conspiracy theories. Spinning these types of fabrications is a common pastime among basic bitches who are acutely aware of the fact that they will never achieve Beyoncé-like heights, and therefore feel compelled to create a mythology that it is not nearly as transcendent as it seems to be Beyoncé.
At the risk of giving these falsifications more air time than they deserve, here are some common Beyoncé conspiracy theories you may have heard:
- Beyoncé faked her pregnancy. (Because why would a human woman in her 30s suddenly turn up “pregnant” with her husband’s child? Seems a little too on-the-nose.)
- Beyoncé is her sister Solange’s mother. (Lazy. This is a plot line from Chinatown.)
- Beyoncé has impregnated untold numbers of teenage girls. (At the end of the movie, a hangdog Bill O’Reilly shuffles over to Beyoncé and says, “I know you weren’t the one who got those girls in trouble … When I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong.”)
- Beyoncé Photoshopped her thigh gap. (You know what? OK, maybe she did. And if she hadn’t, this link would go to a story entitled, “BEYONCÉ BEY-SNACKING??? SINGER’S THIGHS DISTURBINGLY HUGE, GAP-LESS.”)
- Beyoncé is a pawn of the Illuminati. (Never, ever Google anything about Illuminati conspiracies. You will fall down a rabbit hole and lose hours of your life. Just as Beyoncé and her Illuminati overlords planned.)
Honestly, these conspiracy theories are weak and tired, and they are not up to the benchmark of excellence that Beyoncé has set for all of us. For Beyoncé so loved the world that she surprised us all with Beyoncé just in time for Christmas, let’s replace these five worn-out whispers with some fresh new material.
1. The beloved cult TV series Lost was based on a particularly long and detailed dream Beyoncé had once. In fact, her February 2013 documentary “Life Is But a Dream” was originally titled “But Lost Was Just My Dream.” However, due to a confidentiality clause in her contract with ABC, Beyoncé was forced to change the title and edit out all Lost-related material ahead of the doc’s release. As a result, some reviewers criticized the piece as stupefyingly dull — a charge to which a contractually gagged Beyoncé could respond only by narrowing her meticulously lined eyes and digging her finely manicured nails into her hardworking palms.
2. The “Beyoncé” we currently know is an alter ego of country singer Garth Brooks. After the whole Chris Gaines thing fizzled out, Brooks decided to take his drag routine in another direction. He kidnapped the real Beyoncé and has been keeping her captive in a lavishly appointed basement apartment since 2004. Haven’t you ever wondered why there are no pictures of Beyoncé with Garth Brooks? Or Beyoncé with Chris Gaines, for that matter? WAKE UP, SHEEPLE.
(Also, have you ever wondered how Trisha Yearwood — the wife of one Mr. Garth Brooks! — got her own cooking show on Food Network? Not related to the Beyoncé thing. I am just legitimately curious.)
3. Beyoncé never actually landed on the moon. Photos of the Beyoncé moon landing were definitely faked. In fact, she hasn’t been back to the moon since she was born there in 1981 to Freakum-El and Sasha, her alien parents. After realizing the moon was a barren wasteland where iTunes would not gain traction until sometime around the year 3000, Freakum-El and Sasha sent the infant Beyoncé to Earth in a shuttle. The vessel landed in the backyard of Houston couple Tina and Matthew Knowles, who promptly adopted the preternaturally charismatic baby they found within.
4. Beyoncé gets a $1 royalty from Bill Gates every time someone uses the keystroke combination ALT+0233. OK, this one is admittedly weak. But it occurred to me as a distinct possibility after typing the name “Beyoncé” approximately four dozen times. So, you know, WHAT IF????
5. Beyoncé cares what you think about her. At the end of a long day being Beyoncé, and everything that entails — waking up like this, grabbing the wheel, getting bodied, raising a glass for the college grads, buying his shit if he deserve it, doing it like it’s her profession, etc. — she’s plagued by a strange nagging sensation at her very core. Alone in her room, she looks over her framed collection of platinum albums, her shelves full of Grammy awards, and photos of her beautiful daughter. She’s accomplished so much … but somehow, it’s not quite enough.
Reaching under her lavender-scented pillow, Beyoncé pulls out her trusty journal. She opens the cover (emblazoned with the all-caps text “HANDS OFF! JAY THIS MEANS YOU!”), flips through to a fresh new page, and pulls out her favorite purple Flair pen. She hesitates only one moment before touching the felt tip to the page, writing in her careful script, “Day 25. Still can’t sleep. I just don’t feel right knowing there are so many people out there who believe I have falsified a thigh gap.”
Beyoncé looks down at the words she’s just written, eyebrows knitting together ever so slightly. As she reads over and over the sentence, the sting of it all begins to ease, and her famous face relaxes. Sometimes, she reflects, it helps just to get the words down on her paper.
Feeling a bit better, she tucks the journal back under her pillowcase, sends up a quick prayer for her moon-parents, and goes to sleep — only to dream, fitfully, of the difficult labor she endured delivering her first daughter, Solange, at the tender age of four years old.
Once again, she will wake at three o’clock in the morning, cloaked in the all-too-familiar sweat of shame and panic. “Who told them?” she will cry out, and the deafening ring of silence will be her only answer.