Monthly Archives: May 2014

9 Things I Definitely Remember About My Son’s Birth

I want to make it clear right up front that this is not a post about bodily fluids. I mean, I could write a novel about that, if you want — but I don’t think you do. If you are squeamish or simply not interested in the secretions of others, know that this is a safe place.

However, we’re coming up pretty quickly on my son’s first birthday, so I’m about to get very mommy-blogger in this bitch and reminisce about the day he was born. And, more specifically, what it was like for ME. (I’m only about six months removed from being a legit Millennial, so yeah this is about me. Duh.)

The funny thing about being in labor is the tricks your memory plays on you. Time kind of stretches out and loops back on itself, and it’s hard to keep track of what’s happening and in what order.

(Also, I don’t have any basis for comparison, but I assume this whole time-shifting, memory-warping experience is amplified if you’re on magnesium sulfate — which I was. Here’s my one-sentence review of magnesium sulfate: “I’ve never in my life been so unhappy to be so high.” Once magnesium sulfate gets a Yelp page, it will be hearing from me.)

So in the interest of family history, I feel the need to write down the few ephemeral labor memories I have left before they go the way of Brian Austin Green’s hip-hop aspirations, or Jordan Knight’s solo career. (Which reference is timelier? Neither.)

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The One Macklemore Controversy He DOESN’T Want You Talking About

I am over 30 and have a baby, and Macklemore is NOT the guy who sings the Super Why theme, so it took me a while to figure out who he is. After performing some very in-depth Googling over the course of several days, I have learned that Macklemore is the stage name of a white guy named Ben who raps. Macklemore has become somewhat of a controversial figure in the music world for a variety of reasons, such as:

  • He is a white guy named Ben who raps.
  • He is a white guy named Ben who rapped about how he’s definitely not gay but it’s cool if you are.
  • He is a white guy named Ben who won a Grammy for Best Rap Album.
  • He is a white guy named Ben who seemed to be soliciting public accolades for apologizing to Kendrick Lamar* about his Grammy for Best Rap Album.
  • He is a white guy named Ben who inadvertently costumed himself as a piece of Nazi propaganda during a recent surprise performance in Seattle.
  • He is a human person who says “hella” literally all the time, as every possible part of speech. (Does that shit fly in the Pacific Northwest? Because not around here, it doesn’t.)

After completing my extensive Macklemore research, I have come to the conclusion that these various offenses have been committed by our pale friend Ben only to distract us, the foolishly naive public, into overlooking the REAL controversy: Continue reading

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I Can’t Believe You’re Still Doing These 298 Things Wrong

There’s no point in dancing around the issue here, so let’s be blunt: You screw up, and you screw up A LOT. In fact, it’s kind of amazing that you manage to survive on a daily basis. Seriously — can you do anything right?

Listen. I know your heart is in the right place, and I’m sure you mean well. But frankly, you’re about the biggest fucking failure I’ve ever met.

It’s hard to know where to even start with a list of your many missteps, but I came up with these 298 offenses right off the top of my head. Here’s the short list of what you’re doing wrong: Continue reading

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5 Quintessential Quotes from My Mom

This is a post about my mom, because DUH IT’S MOTHER’S DAY, but I’ve already distracted myself with the title. My sister used to work with a woman who thought that “quintessential is when you have five of something” (e.g., quintuplets), and so now I’m worried people are going to think I think that, too.

I know what quintessential means, guys! It’s only a coincidence that there are five of them! Continue reading

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5 New Beyoncé Conspiracy Theories

In case you didn’t know, Beyoncé is amazingly beautiful and exceptionally talented and outlandishly famous. Beyoncé is a triple threat who can sing and dance and act. (Dreamgirls aside — if you haven’t seen Obsessed at least twice, you and I probably have nothing to talk about.) Beyoncé is married to Jay-Z, who is also outlandishly famous, and together they are very wealthy and successful and in love.

By all reasonable measures, there is no way in which Beyoncé has not attained excellence. The only possible negative that’s even tangentially related to Beyoncé is the difficulty one faces in trying to buy tickets to one of her shows, but this is just an unfortunate side effect of Beyoncé being one of the most sought-after women in the world.

So, you might say that Beyoncé’s chief flaw — the one she would have to cite as her “biggest weakness” if she were ever to interview for a job as shift manager at a Ruby Tuesday — would be, “There is not enough of Beyoncé to go around.”

(She could also say, “Beyoncé sometimes talks about herself in the third person,” but a valid argument could be made for this as an endearing personality quirk.) Continue reading

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6 Pop-Culture Crimes Committed by White People

We could go on for days about the massive crimes against humanity committed by my pasty-skinned people. Slavery, the Holocaust, the Spanish Inquisition, the Trail of Tears, the Salem witch trials, and the Tuskegee experiment — we are just skimming the surface of a densely woven tapestry of broad-spectrum, grand-scale assholery.

Also, does “institutional racism” count as just one single crime against humanity? Or is that multiple counts? (Asking for a friend.)

In recent decades, however, organized acts of flagrant racism have fallen out of public favor. This has left many white assholes rudderless, flailing out on their own to commit smaller-scale atrocities in a generally disorganized manner. For whatever reason — the changing of seasons, perhaps, or the shifting of the moon’s gravitational pull — there has been a very visible wave of these high-profile racists lately, and it’s become a real embarrassment to the respectable bigots who prefer to discriminate on a classier, more dignified, systemic level. You know — like civilized people.

And sure, it’s easy to single out and condemn the old white guys throwing around loaded phrases like “those people” and “better off picking cotton” and “Heil Hitler.” But what about the quieter forms of white aggression that surround us on a daily basis? What I mean to say is, what about our crimes against pop culture? Continue reading

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