My work anniversary is this week, and it’s the most melancholy of all anniversaries. It raises so many big questions: What am I still doing here? What am I doing with MY LIFE? Are these fuckers just going to give me a raise already, or are they seriously going to make me beg?
And speaking of “big questions,” which do you think is more pathetic: (a) buying lottery tickets with the sincere hope/desperate wish that you might one day manage to win your way out of this cubicle-dotted hellscape, or (b) finally giving up on that hope? JUST ASKING FOR A FRIEND.
I don’t want to delve too deeply into the depressing details, so let’s just say I’ve worked here for the better part of the last decade. For most of that time, I’ve been reporting to the same boss. We’ve had some respectable ups and some very low downs, but I think we’re finally in a good place. By which I mean he mostly leaves me alone, and I generally return the favor. Honestly, I think this is probably the highest pinnacle the employer/employee relationship can reach.
So, in honor of my boss — and, to a lesser extent, my wasted youth — I cobbled together 21 quotes from his emails over the years into the epic ode you see below. Please read, enjoy, and then light a candle for my lucky lottery numbers. I might just try them again this week, because you can’t win if you don’t play.
I Don’t Know If He Abandoned the Email Address I Had or Just Hates Me
Sorry — trying to do a couple things at once.
I am out. Is everyone else here?
I am not quite sure how to respond.
Sorry for the late response — my inbox got away from me this week.
Here is another thought I had:
Analyze and utilize small-scale tests!
Details are available on slide 11.
Sorry — I started this and then got sidetracked.
I am still trying to understand the company structure.
I am not familiar with this at all.
Doesn’t ring any bells.
Please confirm/contradict that!
Sorry this is late, I have something I needed to complete this morning.
I am getting really irate.
Everything they do annoys me.
Sorry, this is late!
I WAS WRONG!
Sorry — typed this up earlier and it was stuck behind another window…
Just think of it as a wish list for now.
I hate baby seals.