5 Burning Questions About Your NSFW Search History

Before we jump into today’s topic, I want to let you know that we are all in a safe place here. There’s no judgment — mostly because I don’t know you, otherwise I would be judging you SO HARD; but seriously, no judgment otherwise — and I accept whatever lifestyle choices you have made, or are thinking of making, or may yet make in the future.

That said, we need to talk. One of you apparently found your way to my blog via this NSFW search term:

“my teen friend i knew a long time ask me if i would fuck him in the ass”

Let that marinate for a second. I know I did! (There’s probably a “that’s what she said” opportunity somewhere in there.) (To say the least.)

This raises so many questions for me. Can we take it point-by-point, please?

NSFW site search

You know what you did.

One, How did this person find their way to my site? Hey, maybe I’ve used a random, non-consecutive mix of all those words at some point. I could totally see it! But I did a Google search myself — and after 10 pages’ worth of results, I still hadn’t come across my blog. And what kind of sociopath keeps looking after 10 whole pages of Google results? I mean, maybe an old-timey librarian would, or a damn stubborn detective who just won’t let go of this crazy hunch even after the chief told him “That’s IT, the case is CLOSED, I find you following any more leads and I’ll have your BADGE.” Or something. But that’s about it.

That said, it took me six full pages of results before I even found an article about Terry Richardson, which seems off. So maybe Google is just broken today.

Two, is this a question or a statement? I can’t decide if this is the opening line of a submission to Savage Love, or a phrase that someone accidentally typed into their Google search bar instead of the “Compose new Tweet here” field. Like, are we dealing with:

my teen friend i knew a long time ask me if i would fuck him in the ass — should I do it?

OR

my teen friend i knew a long time ask me if i would fuck him in the ass #humblebrag #blessed” ?

Three, was this an AutoCorrect snafu? Maybe this person actually meant to write something very different. My teen friend I knew a long time ask me if I would flunk him in the class. My teen friend I knew at the combine ask me if I would flub the pass. Ma, tell Fred I knew all along Tim’s Akita would fuck him in the ass.

Four, how did the story end? I mean, did they or didn’t they? This is worse than Ross and Rachel.

Five, how many more times is this going to happen? My blog may now become the leading Google search result for the topic “my teen friend I knew a long time ask me if I would fuck him in the ass,” because the keyword density here is PRETTY INTENSE.

In conclusion, as a teen friend of mine once said — if you can dream it, you can do it.

Leave a comment

Filed under Meta Blogging

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s