I love movies, said the thrillingest-ever lede to a blog post, but I came to movie-watching as a hobby kind of late in life. I spent my first 18-ish years reading every book in my local library, and then watching a lot of sitcoms in between chapters. If you’re picturing me as an unearthly pale kid with visible blue veins and giant glasses and an inhaler, may I ask how long you’ve had the shining?
Anyway, by this point in my life, I’ve managed to catch up on a respectable number of cinematic classics like The Godfather and Vertigo and Taxi Driver and Mannequin. (You heard me.)
Still, there are huge, gaping holes in my personal movie history — mostly from the period in my life when I was grinding up and snorting the complete collected works of Ann M. Martin and Francine Pascal. And when I admit to members of my peer group that I haven’t seen these particular movies, they’re usually like, “OMG WUT STAHP R U SERIOUS????” As though it doesn’t count for anything that I saw Cop and a Half in the theater, you know?
So here’s a semi-comprehensive list of all the movies that I have honestly, swear to God, never-in-my-life seen. (For simplicity’s sake, any franchises will be counted as one amorphous blob of a movie.)
1. Anything Star Wars. I have five words to explain why I never need to see any of these movies: “Luke, I am your father.” That said, Billy Dee Williams is perfect in everything, always. Billy Dee 4-ever.
2. Anything Indiana Jones. I’ve caught a few stray scenes from one of these movies, but I don’t know which one — the one with Short Round and the monkey brains? Does that help? Anyway, whichever one I saw had Kate Capshaw in a speaking role, so you can probably guess why I didn’t finish watching it.
3. Titanic. Even though I was both (a) a girl and (b) a junior in high school when this movie was released, I never got around to seeing it eight times like everyone else I knew. I guess I was probably busy writing free verse in my journal for most of the 36 consecutive months it was in U.S. theaters? But, yeah. I know how this one ends, too.
4. The Goonies. Unlike most of the others on this list, I don’t even know what this movie is about. It’s the one where a bunch of kids do stuff and say things, right? Am I close?
5. The three original Rambo movies. This is a story about how much of a simpleton I am: I didn’t realize the first Rambo movie was called First Blood, because (duh) I haven’t seen it. So this movie called Rambo came on cable one night, and I thought, “Oh, a chance to catch up on a classic American film!” And then I thought, “Oh, Rita from Dexter is in this! I had no idea!” And then I actually said aloud to my friend, “She hasn’t aged AT ALL since this movie came out! When was this, 1985? She must be part vampire!” Yeah, it turned out I was watching the Rambo reboot that was released in 2008.
6. Anything Rocky. I really am not familiar with much of Stallone’s oeuvre, for better or worse. Interestingly, I did manage to catch that porno movie he was in that was later repackaged (schnorf!) as The Italian Stallion, which is maybe why I haven’t been eager to see more of him (hi-yoooo) onscreen. Anyway, Rocky — he chugs some raw eggs, runs up some stairs, fisticuffs fisticuffs fisticuffs, yells for his wife. Yeah, I get it.
7. Stand By Me. I never saw the movie, BUT I DID READ THE NOVELLA IT WAS BASED ON! (Now picture me pushing my glasses up my nose and snorting, and then quickly developing a rash.)
8. The Outsiders. I haven’t even read the book, but I’ve used the quote “Stay gold, Ponyboy” in conversation, because my whole life is a lie.
9. Anything Die Hard. Things I know for sure about this movie: It takes place at Christmas; the dad from Family Matters is contractually obligated to always be playing a cop; yippee-ki-yay motherfucker; and it turns out Bruce Willis has been dead the whole time.
10. Terms of Endearment. I’m past the point in my life where I will ever watch this movie, I think. It’s about a mom with cancer or something, yeah? And I cry at everything anymore (including Kailyn’s wedding to Javi on Teen Mom 2, for fuck’s sake, even though I knew it was just a formality and they were legally married already, and also they are Kailyn and Javi from Teen Mom 2 — again, for fuck’s sake). So, I really don’t need T of E‘s help to start weeping uncontrollably, is what I’m saying. If I want to bawl my eyes out, I’ll just save myself some time by watching any given episode of Long Island Medium. Really, ANY episode.
11. The Jerk. I started watching this once, and I thought it was kind of stupid, so I stopped. This is a real bone of contention in my marriage — especially because my husband recently quoted some line about Iron Balls McGinty, and I laughed, and he said, “Why are you laughing? That’s from The Jerk, and that movie’s ‘not funny’!” I mean, honestly. Excuse me for thinking the concept of iron gonads, out of context, is funny. I must have missed the part in our wedding vows where we promised to engage in “gotcha” journalism! And no, I am not Cindy Sanders from Freaks & Geeks, but I guess I deserve the comparison.