15 Acceptable Career Tracks for Aspiring Reality Stars

Do you remember Leah Remini? She’s the actress from such TV favorites as King of Queens, Dancing with the Stars, Saved by the Bell: That One Season They Did In Hawaii for Some Reason, and Holy Sh*t You Guys I Think the Head of Scientology May Have Kidnapped and/or Murdered His Own Wife. (That last one never made it out of pilot season, I don’t think.)

Anyway, Leah Remini  has her own reality show now. From Variety:

“Leah is a no-nonsense, hard-working, relatable mom, wife, daughter, and sister. Her sharp humor and unfiltered family are a perfect match for the network,” said Nancy Daniels, general manager of TLC, in a statement.

Good thing she said “Leah” at the beginning of that first sentence, because otherwise I would have totally thought Nancy Daniels was describing me! Honestly, I am all of those adjectives and nouns, plus a few more.

Despite sharing many positive and hard-to-objectively-verify attributes with noted TV star Leah Remini, I do not yet have my own reality series. I know; this fact disappoints me almost as much as it does you.

If it’s any consolation, there are some valid reasons why I’m not the toast of TLC. I think the main barrier to entry is that I have a job. Like, a real grown-up job — one where I sit at a computer all day, and do things like “catch up on emails” and “touch base” about “projects in the pipeline.” This job absorbs roughly fifty of my waking weekday hours, plus occasional weekend time. As a source of reality show drama, it’s mostly a non-starter.

To help you avoid falling into the same dead-end career path as me, here is a brief list of acceptable occupations for those who dream of starring on a reality show:

  1. Unemployed housewife of wealthy man.
  2. Underemployed celebrity from bygone era.
  3. Sassy/edgy chef — preferably with wacky hair, kooky catchphrase, hilarious accent, or all three.
  4. Scrappy single mom who is definitely “here for Bret.”
  5. Spray-tan enthusiast.
  6. Owner of a posh West Hollywood restaurant where the wait staff are all fucking each other in endlessly shifting permutations.
  7. Megalodon.
  8. Enthusiastic breeder.
  9. Dead-eyed real estate agent.
  10. Guy who pretends to do other people’s jobs for the length of one (1) episode.
  11. Bigamist.
  12. Former Olympic champion.
  13. Starfucker.
  14. Aspiring starfucker.
  15. Contestant.

To reiterate, none of those jobs describe my job.

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