Monthly Archives: March 2014

I’ve Got 99 Problems, and Gwyneth Paltrow Doesn’t Understand One

It’s so easy to mock Gwyneth Paltrow, but it seems wrong to kick her while she’s down. Sure, she’s impossibly pretentious — and yes, she’s seemingly oblivious to the expansive privilege that has allowed her to maintain the world’s most excruciatingly twee lifestyle. But she’s still got some genuine human feelings, and I assume it’s incredibly painful to separate from your husband and the father of your two children.

BUT GWYNETH. Why do you make it so hard for me to empathize with you? Here’s the notorious G.O.O.P. discussing her decision to take (even more of?) a sabbatical from acting, via E! Online:

“I think it’s different when you have an office job, because it’s routine and, you know, you can do all the stuff in the morning and then you come home in the evening. When you’re shooting a movie, they’re like, ‘We need you to go to Wisconsin for two weeks,’ and then you work 14 hours a day and that part of it is very difficult. I think to have a regular job and be a mom is not as, of course there are challenges, but it’s not like being on set.”

One moment, please, while I count backwards from ten. Now let’s take a series of deep breaths to cleanse some of the negative energy from our auras. And then maybe we should take a couple of hours out of our mornings to fit in an extensive workout with fitness guru Tracy Anderson. Finally, let’s put some kale chips in the oven to bake while I list all of the things that are deeply wrong with this statement. Continue reading

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Filed under Pop Culture

3 Ways To Be Really Annoying

1. Follow the ABC rule: Always Be Correcting the spelling, grammar, and syntax used by your friends and family — even if it’s a casual email, and their meaning is perfectly clear. (“Did you mean Santa CLAUS, Mom? I’ve never heard of anyone named Santa CLAUSE!!!”)

If possible, insert a snide chuckle while you’re at it, so the errant speaker knows how super-dumb their mistake was. Over email or text, an “lol” or “smh” will accomplish the same purpose. (“lol Bradley, I think you mean you have ‘25% fewer’ T-cells than you did at your last draw, not ‘25% less.’ smh”)

DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN, not even for a moment. The sanctity of the English language depends on you constantly policing the word-sounds and typing-shapes created by your loved ones. Continue reading

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Filed under Self-Improvement

15 Acceptable Career Tracks for Aspiring Reality Stars

Do you remember Leah Remini? She’s the actress from such TV favorites as King of Queens, Dancing with the Stars, Saved by the Bell: That One Season They Did In Hawaii for Some Reason, and Holy Sh*t You Guys I Think the Head of Scientology May Have Kidnapped and/or Murdered His Own Wife. (That last one never made it out of pilot season, I don’t think.)

Anyway, Leah Remini  has her own reality show now. From Variety:

“Leah is a no-nonsense, hard-working, relatable mom, wife, daughter, and sister. Her sharp humor and unfiltered family are a perfect match for the network,” said Nancy Daniels, general manager of TLC, in a statement.

Good thing she said “Leah” at the beginning of that first sentence, because otherwise I would have totally thought Nancy Daniels was describing me! Honestly, I am all of those adjectives and nouns, plus a few more. Continue reading

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Filed under Movies & Television