And they’re all perfectly valid.
I feel a certain kinship with Kim Kardashian West, because we’ve always been pregnant at the same time. While she beat me to the delivery room by about five months this time around, we were due within about a week of each other back in 2013.
And we both suffered from preeclampsia with our first pregnancies. I actually diagnosed her from my couch, where I was already on doctor-ordered bedrest, after spotting a paparazzi photo of her feet that revealed a scorching case of edema. (By that time, my own personal footwear collection had been effectively reduced to “house slippers” and, for my twice-weekly trips to the doctor, “fancy goin’-out slippers.”)
But while Kim and I are forever bonded by our similarly timed pregnancies and mutual dislike for the gestational phase, I completely lack her confidence and élan when it comes to baby names. I mean, North West? Saint West? I just couldn’t! I’d feel too self-conscious. Continue reading
First, of course, you need to be breastfeeding a 2-year-old. Hang in there; this might take a minute…
This is a list of people whispering plaintively into the nothingness of the universe, “Can I live?!?”
And it’s a simple enough request, sure. But will we — the Internet-based hive mind of U.S. society, whose thirst and appetite for human blood has become as insatiable as Audrey II‘s — let them?
1. Emma Watson
Occupation: Inventor of feminism
Relevant Quote: “Chivalry should be consensual.”
Credibility Level: Hufflepuff
2. Tina Fey
Occupation: Relatable working mom
Relevant Quote: “People will say, ‘Oh, fashion magazines are so bad, they’re giving girls a negative message’ — but we’re also the fattest country in the world, so it’s not like we’re all looking at fashion magazines and not eating.”
Credibility Level: Ugh mom you are soooooo second-wave sometimes.
1. Geese. I see geese walking slowly across intersections all the time. Just meandering diagonally across a busy, multi-lane road at rush hour, like they’re out for a stroll in the goddamn country. Diagonally. And it’s never one goose; it’s always about twelve of them together. Like a flash mob, but for sauntering. Hey, assholes — USE YOUR WINGS.
1. Yeah, these pants still fit.
2. Probably no one else can smell me right now.
3. I’ll take care of that later.
4. I’m smart enough to figure this out.
5. Symmetrical eyebrows aren’t everything.
I saw a headline not long ago that was something like, “How Married Couples Text Each Other.” And even though I am married and I text my husband — so, like, I already know how married couples text? — I almost clicked on the headline! I mean, it was basically about my life. VERY compelling. VERY algorithmically targeted toward my interests.
So while I stopped short of actually clicking the link, this incident did open my eyes to the fact that readers are clamoring to read about married couples texting. Would you like to read that kind of article? Maybe a list of things my husband and I text about, you think?
OK, here it is: